On Family

In for a penny in for a pound, I may as well get the rest of the venom out of my system so I can be a little more comfortable in my own skin. Please keep in mind the fact that you are only hearing my side of the story. I am quite positive the Blank family could bend your ears back with tales of what a worthless person I am.

My faults are many and I do not believe admitting it mitigates the responsibility. If I were the kind of person who is willing to play the little games and participate in the private politics that form a family dynamic I would at the very least be a more normal person. Sadly, for me, I am not, never have been and most likely never will be good at that kind of thing. In short, what you see is what you get with me. Nothing up the sleeve, I do not play both sides of a bet. When I say I love someone I mean it sincerely. Strangely, I think that may be the crux of my problem here. I married into this family with an open heart prepared to love them because Don loved them. I thought I would be accepted and loved in return because Don loved me. Please know that in no way am I criticizing the Blank Family. The fault was mine because I was too naive to see that I am an in-law. As far as I was concerned family is family and once you are in it is for a lifetime. Regrettably, I was not playing a game. It has taken 30 years for me to riddle that out (I can, as you see, be miserably slow on the uptake) and now that I have, my feelings are hurt beyond repair.

I talk of Don’s family but what of mine. As you know, my father passed a few years ago. Surviving him are my mother, a sister and four brothers as well as numerous nieces and nephews. What of them? Do not, my friend, ever feel sorry for me. They are all alive and as far as I know, they are all doing well enough. My family and I had a falling out. The last time I saw any of them was a month after my fathers’ funeral; he had been very ill, his death certificate lists the cause of death as dehydration. I live several hours away from the rest of my family. My father was living with one of my brothers and his wife. I cannot in my heart blame any of my family for his death, not anymore than I blame myself. It is a long, complicated story, that of my family and I. I am not sure I can ever tell it. But if I do, I vow it will be the full version of the truth as I see it. For now, even with all of the hurt, I love them still and I miss them nearly as much as I miss my father. The road runs two ways. I am one of the loneliest people you ever will meet but I made that choice with both eyes wide open. Did I forsake my family? I think I was forsaken, who can say which version is true, Not I. People need to love and be loved, I have no one to blame for the path I have taken. The weight of my decisions rests squarely on my own shoulders. Believe it or not, I place a very high value on love and I believe that when it comes straight from the heart there is no emotion known to man that has a higher value than love. And no weapon made by man can cut deeper than a shard from a shattered heart.

They complete a circle, I think, the stories of my two families. I really have no idea if any of this paints a clearer picture of why I end my posts the way I do. I hope it helps at least a bit because without compassion I could not survive and without hope, I could feel no compassion.

There is always hope.

Betty