If I Could Let You See

I have been trying for months to write a post worthy of being published, this evening I gave up the notion that my post has to be worthy of anything. It simply has to express my thoughts and feelings.

If I could open my mind and let you see things as I do, hear as I hear and feel as I feel you might understand why I have not been able to post for such a long time. The beauty is still there to be seen but I do not seem to be able to find the words to describe what I see. The birds still sing and music still plays but the sound is just a little bit flat and that takes away some of the enjoyment for me. I often feel anxious and confused; I will be doing something and have to stop because I forget what comes next. It can be very simple tasks like putting together the ingredients for a sandwich or emptying the dishwasher; I simply cannot remember what I need to do next. Put them all together and jumble them up and there you have my mind these days.

A dear friend of mine is going through some rough patches of his own lately and he is the reason I decided to give posting another go. No matter how jumbled, anxious, and confused I am I do always remember that my problems are small and inconsequential compared to others.

Three weeks ago, I had surgery on my right shoulder. It went well and is healing nicely, I am doing my rehab myself for this shoulder and it seems to be working fine. I am much more comfortable doing the rehab at home.

There is always hope.

At Last

I have finished reading Nothing To Lose by Lee Child; hard to believe it took nearly a year for me to actually begin reading it. I purchased it the first week it hit the book store shelves last year. I haven't been reading anything longer than a prescription bottle label, being out of practice , it took a while to get through the book. Now that I have I can safely say it is my least favorite of the series. Perhaps it's just me but I thought Reacher was acting very un-Reacher like. At any rate the book has been read and I can park it on the shelf reserved strictly for Lee Child and Reacher and move on.

May 19, found me in my local book store so eager to lay my eyes and hands on the newest offering from Lee Child, Gone Tomorrow, that I passed it right up. I felt pretty silly when I realized I had rushed past a display of the book that was taller than me and I had to laugh at myself. So far my excitement has been well founded; this time Reacher is acting very Reacher like and all is well. I have only read to chapter 19 but so far it has my full attention :-)

There isn't much more that is worthy grist for the word mill so I believe I will say farewell for now.

There is always hope.

Spring Needs No Help From Us

There is something to be said for a fine spring day, when the air is rich with the scent of sunshine, green and growing things, the heavy musk of yesterdays rain and today’s freshly mown grass. All of those things combined with the busy chatter of birds, the industrious hum of bees and the scampering play rabbits and chipmunks can only mean that while we humans were bemoaning the late spring, spring got off on its own without any help from us. Such is the natural way of things and my delight when I find myself caught up in meandering reflection, and wondering how a thing as important as spring could sneak up on me. Then of course, I realize it wasn’t sneaking at all, I was simply distracted and did not see what was taking place before my very eyes. Yes, there is something to be said for a fine spring day when the sun warms my winter chilled bones, the word is bliss.

Thank goodness that I noticed that spring has arrived and thank goodness, I can at last breathe freely. I thought I would never be able to draw a free breath of air again. I cannot recall ever having gone that long struggling for every breath. That is behind me now and I am free to begin enjoying my camera.

Don and I are going to work out on the porch today, taking down panels we use to close it in for the winter and cleaning it up. We purchased a couple of rocking chairs for use out there and I can’t wait to start rocking away.

Thanks for taking the time to check in and see how I am doing.

There is always hope.

Spring, Pictures and an Update

I am wondering if we will have spring this year. I cannot remember where I was but a couple of ladies were wondering that very thing, one said we never get spring in Ohio, we move directly from winter to summer. I am reasonably sure we have at least a day or two of mild spring weather before the heat of summer moves in. In this part of the state, the real heat generally moves in on Father’s Day weekend.

You may be pleased to hear that I have decided there will be no more political blog posts here unless I absolutely cannot contain myself (I hope that does not happen) I am not comfortable talking about politics.

One of my Christmas gifts was a camera, it is my hope that it will warm up enough sometime soon for me to hide away outside and get some nature shots. I can post them here if I get lucky! I want the groundhog (as big as cow it is this year) and the rabbits and birds and deer if I can get a good photo of them. Half the fun is the anticipation; I’ll be sure and let you know how it went.

A brief update on pneumonia and shoulder pain; I am not sure the antibiotic killed the pneumonia bug, I am still rattling and wheezing with every breath, as for my shoulder I have a bone spur and fluid in the joint. The choice is mine to make, live with the pain or have surgery to remove the spur and possibly part of the small joint to which it is attached. I have decided that in the realm of pain, there are brave people who can look pain in the eye and tough it out and beat it (or at least stay on a level field with it) and then there are people like me who see pain and flinch at the thought of it. I can only describe the emotional side of moderate to severe pain for me as drowning. Pain hits and in my mind I hear the white roar of a large waterfall and I am trapped at the bottom of the falls trying to catch a breath while my body is battered against the rocks. Pain is cold for me, freezing cold and blindingly harsh. I know all about relaxation techniques and other methods used to help minimize pain, sadly, when confronted with the real thing my mind develops amnesia.

Thanks for visiting.

There is always hope.

I Am Doing Well Enough

It has been so long since I posted here I hardly know how to begin. Perhaps this brief offering will serve to jump start my mind and I can try again to post on a regular basis. Blogging was something I really enjoyed and you cannot beat the price of this hobby.

How am I doing? I have injured my right shoulder, only Heaven can say how, and I have pneumonia. Not long ago those two things in addition to everything else that has happened would have beat me to a bloody pulp and thrown in a corner to lick my wounds. I am happy to report that even though I am facing these new challenges I am handling them well enough and I have to pat myself on the back.

I purchased two rocking chairs for the porch; I intend to spend my summer (if it ever gets here) rocking to the rhythm of music as I bird watch or read or paint. I believe that would be a divine way to spend a summer.

Not bad for the first post in months and months, perhaps there really is a chance I can get back to it. I promise to try to come back again in a timelier manner. Thank you for taking the time to read.

There is always hope.

Small Progress Is Still Progress

Were I a bird I would be laying in the bottom my cage, trembling from my efforts to ignore the pain of my broken wing and return to the safety of my perch. It is the best analogy I have at the moment because it is the way I feel, broken and worn down by too many sleepless nights and too much time spent tumbling the known and unknown problems in my mind as if they are worry beads in my hand.

Through all of this, I have been fortunate enough to have my own personal knight in running clothes; Don has been supportive and understanding. Agoraphobia is not something I would wish on anyone. Any progress I have made in defiance of that fear is a credit to Don. He pushes me out the door and makes me leave the house. He always puts me in a situation of either crowds or big spaces. I guess I had to begin somewhere; this is as good as any.

I have not felt like writing; possibly because the medication makes me drowsy or perhaps the worry beads in my mind keep me distracting me. Whatever the reason I hope to return to posting regularly soon, when I get back to writing I will feel like have made huge progress.

There is always hope.

American Conservative Ideology an Archaic Concept

This may come as a complete shock to those of you who regularly read this blog but I am about as conservative a Midwesterner as you will ever encounter. Yes, I was being facetious and now you know why I never intentionally write humor. The conservative part however is true. I really do not like to blog about politics but it is impossible to ignore the subject. We shouldn’t want to ignore it but I confess I am sick to death of two year political races that have the outcome determined by the press months before I ever have the opportunity to cast a vote and have my say. I realize I am pouring water on cold ashes but even in my current state of mind where very little has the ability to stir an emotion in me this topic comes through clearly.

When my choices on the Republican ticket were narrowed down to one candidate in January, I was beside myself with fury. Even now, I cannot believe that we let the press dictate to us who the candidate would be long before the Primary season got into full swing. But they did, we did and there went the Republican ticket. So I turned to the Democratic ticket in my fury and I thought well, I am going to give Obama a fair chance to convince me that he can do the job. His age is not an issue or his lack of experience if he selects good advisers and is willing to keep on a few key people for the short term. I was open minded and ready to listen. As for Hillary, she was in consideration, her best asset in my eyes is that I know precisely what to expect from her. There will be no surprises and there will be no skeletons jumping from her closets. Then up popped Rev. Write and all of the rest and other than the very inspired speech Obama gave In Philadelphia (which might have been his get out of jail free card if nothing else had happened) and suddenly Obama was removed from my list of feasible candidates. There I was teetering between having to accept McCain and jumping onto his wagon or accepting Hillary and jumping onto her wagon and what happens then? Why the press started driving the point home that there was no way that Hillary could get the nomination it was in fact not only an improbability it was an impossibility.

John McCain is a man of honor, he is a hero and we as Americans are indebted to him and every other man and woman who has ever sacrificed for this country. It is my sincere hope that Obama remember that during this campaign and that he afford McCain the respect that is his due. Speaking of the men and women who put their lives on the line for the rest of us, I believe it would behoove Obama to pay them a visit since it is his intent and that of the press that he be their next Commander in Chief.

Moderation in everything they say; moderate ideology is required politically in this country at this point in time. Conservatives such as me are apparently in the minority and I say our only real hope of survival is moderation. We have to slide just a little closer to the center of the isle. I will never know if I would have actually voted for Hillary when I got into the voting booth but I do know that I am miles from voting for Obama. My vote is too precious a freedom to throw away and I refuse to stay at home in November just because the press has already determined whom our next president will be. You never really know, strange things do happen.

There is always hope.