Tuesday, April 18, 2017

When Dreams Die

Dreams.  They were so real I could taste them, touch, breathe the very air of wherever it was that my dreams were taking me.  It’s been such a long time since I had a dream like that, a dream that was so real it became a need to go there and see it, smell it and feel it in my waking life.  I dreamed of Ireland, Scotland, the whole of Great Britain.  I needed to go there and walk through the moors, stand on top of Ben Nevis, breathe the salty air and hear the crashing of ocean on the Isle of Skye.  I needed desperately to walk the lanes and of an Irish village and wander off through a lonely castle.  Westminster Abbey and The Tower, I needed to touch the stone and sit in silence to hear the echoes from the past, perhaps my past, who can say.  I dreamed of forests so mysterious that surely there must still be at least one unicorn, one patch of days more simple and beautiful where life was filled with wondrous things.  Oh, but these were wonderful dreams and as I dreamed them some how in my heart, I let myself believe that because I needed to see and do these things, I would.  And then… My dreams died.

When those dreams died, I felt bitter at first, then after a time I found a way to compensate for the loss.  There will never be a way to reawaken dead dreams, but I can view ghostly images of what might have been.  There are photographs, music, books, magazines and video of these places.  I can see it all this way.  So, I did.  

And now, we have been talking about taking a once in a lifetime trip to the British Isles and Ireland.  We’ve been talking about it for about 8 or 10 years now.  To tell the truth, at this point I have come to terms with the fact that I will never see those places where my soul longs to be, not in this lifetime.  Perhaps I’ll pass over it all on my last journey as I leave this earth.  Besides the dream, when I was young was to go there and linger, to experience every nuance, not to pass through on the way to something else.  It is indeed sad to watch your dreams die before your eyes.  That’s the nature of the beast when when you share your life with someone else.  It was my dream not my husbands and I can’t fault him.  What I should have done was made my dreams come true.  My husband lives his life as his father did, on his terms, in his own good time.

Do I still dream?  Not really.  I’ve had Putt Putt Golf on my Bucket List for 30 years.  It’s apparently not on my husbands priority list to help me check things off of my list.  Once in awhile I’ll throw something out there that I would like to do but it just gets shot down most of the time..but someday one might just slip through.

There is always hope.  

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

My New Sideline

I am adventuring in the world of essential oils.  So far, I have learned enough to know that I want to learn much, much more.  I have been to the library and read 2 books from there and I have downloaded 2 Kindle books from Amazon.  The one item that caught my attention very early and has only been mentioned twice in the books and online websites that I have visited selling the essential oils is that you must be very cautious with them.  Apparently, they can be harmful if misused, as can nearly anything but these can have serious health risks involved if you don't know what you are doing.  Perhaps I am overcautious but I would much rather err on the side of caution.  At any rate, I am so enjoying this adventure, as I had no idea what uses there were for essential oils.  I thought they were meant for diffusing and adding to homemade soaps and lotions.  It was a big surprise to read about the medicinal uses, cleaning and disinfecting properties of some of them.  What a wonderful pastime to kill the cold winter hours.

Of course, the day to day matters of life continue even if I would rather shut myself away with my oils and books researching amazing ways to use them.  Laundry must be washed, dinner must be cooked and my overly large bottom must get up, get out and walk in the cold. Truth be told I really don't mind any of it, seriously what would I do if I didn't have to keep house and take care of my husband?  If I were not able to get out there in that cold and walk I just know my mind would implode.  It's what we all need, to keep busy so that the winter doesn't drive us mad.  Unfortunately for us two of our favorite pastimes, winter and summer is sitting in front of our television and computer screens.  We can take up a big chunk of the day watching these unhealthy things.  I don't like it and I would like to wean myself from them but I am afraid that I am addicted!   

Well, we know that there is always hope.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

A Fine Day To Stay Warm

It's a fine day to stay inside and try to stay warm.  A forecast high of 33, burr!  Doesn't matter I still have to get out there and put in at least a 2-mile walk.  If I am ever going to take off an ounce of weight and be ready to walk my 50K in June I've got to get moving.  It's so hard to do when winter has such a death grip on me. The older I get the harder winter is on me.  I know that I am not an anomaly, I have seen many people have the same problem as they aged and I always felt sorry for them but I really didn't understand what they were going through, I do now.

At this time of year my mind always goes to dark places.  Yesterday was a particularly difficult day, I found myself reaching out to the Lord several times.  He is the only one I have to talk to.  I do find comfort in words, reading and searching for quotes.  It keeps my mind busy.  I also like to find pictures of beautiful things, animals, birds, flowers and the universe.

Enough for this day, time to get moving.  There is always hope.    

Saturday, April 23, 2016

I am playing Edward Gerhard on acoustic guitar and Christmas music just came on but I will not skip past it because it's beautiful music.  As I listen my mind flashes images of baking cookies and wrapping Christmas gifts, the sounds of the family all gathered round in one small room; everyone hot and over dressed but soaking up memories.  Our families have come of age and we are, all of us well aware that the days are running by and the years we have left with the parents will be too few (my own are already gone).  So…as the Christmas music plays on so shall I go on.  Ahem…
I live a quiet and happy life in rural Ohio with my husband, Don.  We do, on occasion have an adventure here or sometimes there.  Today he is having an adventure here, he is out running on trails at Mohican State Park.  Tomorrow we will each have an adventure because he will once again run the trails and I will walk the paved park roads.  We are preparing for a grand adventure there in May, in New Jersey.  He is running a 24 hour race, he will get in 100 miles; I will be walking my first marathon.
I am 57 years old and I have discovered a few things since my birthday in January.  There are these wrinkles on my face, I wonder how they got there?  My hair is getting very, very thin and I am getting very, very wide!  I have severe Degenerative Disc Disease in my lower back ( a dramatic way of saying arthritis, call it what it is!) and that means I’ve got to move it or lose it.  You bet your bippy I’m moving it!  Every single day, because if I don't the pain is incredible and I am so happy that I can move it
I am a Christian and I will never cower or deny it.  Though I see all of the horrors and terrors there are in this world, I refuse to live a life of dower negativity.  There is always hope.

Friday, April 8, 2016

I've done a tiny bit of writing, a piece here a piece there off and on for a few weeks now.  The only thing I am willing to post at this point is a short poem.

My Lord is mighty
My Lord is kind
My Lord is gentle
He's felt the knife
He's faced the devil
He holds my hand
When I am tempted
He understands
My Lord fights for me
When I am thrown on my knees
My Lord lifts me up up
He know my needs
My Lord knows what I face
He's been here too.

There is always hope...

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


I am sidelined from exercise, no walking or exercising for few days. If I am honest I have to admit that in a way it is a bit of a relief. It’s kind of a struggle to breathe at the moment but that will soon be fixed, I am taking some good antibiotics and steroids. The only problem with the good drugs is that they are causing a good amount of pain and I am having a rough night. It’s 2:45 am. Oh well, all things come round in the end. I’ll be fine soon enough, just listen to me whine. I am merely miserable, not suffering, people with serious illnesses suffer, I am not in that category, thank God.

So I am looking forward to a good Wednesday, I know it is going to be a glorious day. We will be feeding our garden and cutting fresh lettuce for salad. Oh my word! We grow the best tasting lettuce I have ever had in my entire life! It really is awesome. It’s all due to the care Don took in amending the soil and preparing our garden for planting and of course we are feeding our precious food lots of Miracle Grow. I really can’t wait for the tomatoes to come in and the spaghetti squash, yum.

I’ve spent the last couple of hours culling out some of my old files and cleaning up things that should have been deleted. I have read many things that were written in my dark days; they were indeed dark days. As I read some of those things I cannot believe that person was really me. I was so full of despair, so hopeless…I can only thank God and Don for saving me. Anyway, I’ve dumped a large portion of that suffering, I have given it to the Lord, I don’t want it anymore. However…I did save one very dark poem I wrote, I am sure it isn’t very good but I kind of like it because it does end with what I feel is a positive note. You decide;

The Spirit Fades

Please my children, turn your eyes and do not watch
As despair savages my soul.
The bleak blackness that sucks from the light all thought.
Quivering, quaking threads of hope lay cowering,
Shrinking, beating out a fading tattoo.
To late my children, you have stood too near and watched me die.
Quickly now my children, take this gift this last gently pulsing
Timid glow, shelter it nourish it encourage it to grow.
Softly I breathe, tenderly my children, you have in your hands my soul.

Well I like it. It is in the end a message of renewal. There is always hope.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

I Remember Colleen

About 25 years ago or so my mother-in-law told me that she had done her living and she was waiting to die. I thought that was sad. 25 years ago my mother-in-law was 60 years old; I am 56 years old now and I hate to admit it but until recently I have been feeling that same way. My mantra each day on rising and several times through the day I would say to myself that I wanted to die. I thought of my mother-in-law and thought, you are in for a very long wait because life is way too long for people like us.
What happened? I really don’t know but I am working from the premise that it was the power of prayer that finally lead me into the light.

Last year, a friend and a woman of Faith was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. To say she was a friend is to simple a word for what she represented in my life; she stood a step above most others, she was washed in the light of the Lord. She was a true gift to those of us she touched. The list of things she did for me is long; the last thing she did was bring me back to the light. Her name was Colleen Theusch, I miss her and I thank her very much. When I heard how sick Colleen was I did something that I had not done in a very long time, I prayed. As dark as my world was, as shattered as my spirit had been, not even then did I pray, I was unworthy, that’s how I felt. I would not pray for me but I did pray for Colleen. I prayed many times a day and I was very specific in my prayers, the more I prayed the more I added to my prayers, there were others that I loved who needed help. In the end, Colleen passed on but I continued to pray and it was, I am sure the praying that brought me back to the light.

Slowly, by small degrees my life has opened before me and it is beautiful. I have been gifted with a loving husband and friends and a home that is beautiful and safe and I no longer live in fear. There is nothing I want for or need because I have God lighting the path before my feet. Life is good and I hope I live a very long time. There is always hope.