That's A Blessing

After months of having the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head and the anxiety filled fear caused by that threat, it is done.  I have been blessed beyond prayer.  Though the ultrasound in February had indicated 60 to 70 percent blockage in the left renal artery, the vascular surgeon found absolutely no blockage.  I was stunned.  Relieved beyond measure, but stunned.  How could there be such a discrepancy?  Only through the power of prayer and our Lord.

The pain issue in my legs continues to torture me, I will be having and ultrasound of my leg next.  I must admit that I am more than a little skeptical about this.  After all, look at what I went through after the renal ultrasound.  It would be foolish to deny that I am desperate for relief, for help of some kind in ending this pain but I truly believe that in the end it will all come down to me.  I am just going to have to face this pain toe to toe and as they say, suck it up.  There is no magic pill, lotion, potion or powder that will help me, I must get beyond the leg pain, the back pain, the chest pain.  The pain.

Do you know what it's like to have no feeling of self-worth?  To be nothing but a financial and emotional burden, a piece baggage that can't be gotten rid of?  To know that you are sucking the joy right out of the life of the person who must suffer your presence every day?  These are horrific things!  When compassion is replaced with impatience and understanding acceptance and compromise is replaced with irritability and a short temper it leaves me feeling even more depressed and disappointed in myself.  These are qualities that I have always been proud of myself for.  If I have no other worth at least I know I am a caring and loving person.  Or, I should say I have always been in the past.  Pain is changing me. 

After 42 years I will go so far as to say that I know my husband well, I know what he is thinking and feeling about all of this, what he is doing is quite another thing.  He is being a rock.  He is supporting me completely in every way and I will never find the words or the deeds to thank him enough for it.  Of course, I knew he was my hero the first day I met him.

There is always hope.