I have never felt so low during the Christmas Season in my life. I miss my parents. There are those who will say, and perhaps justly so, that I have no right to say that but there it is. I want to hear my mother tell one her stories, they never grew old for me, I want to see her laugh and clap her hands together when something tickles her. I want to thank her for giving me the strength to survive so far and the courage to look to tomorrow because if that woman had nothing else, she had an inner strength that came from the very foundations of the earth. I need to hear my father say good morning the way he used to, I need to feel the weight of his big hand fall gently on my shoulder and rest there. That hand on my shoulder said so many things that were never conveyed in words there was no need, there was love in that callused hand. My mother and sister have always told me that have his hands; I hope so, I hope that's what people feel from my hands.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I inherited from my parents. They both loved to laugh had an ornery streak (don't we all harbor one?) and they could both sit for hours or days just soaking in the beauty of a river, lake or woods. Like them, I discovered early in life that when it comes to family politics it's best to play both sides of the fence or at least don't commit to a side in any argument because feelings will be hurt no matter the outcome. Best to avoid that. They both loved to tell stories and they were good at it. They taught me that when you call someone family you are making a commitment to them to love them warts and all. I don't call anyone family unless I'm willing to go take on the burden. That's the other thing they taught me, sometimes love can be a burden. People get cranky, moody, selfish at times, sometimes they become repetitive out of frustration or forgetfulness but it happens to everyone. Sometimes the person who is family is depressed or angry, doesn't want to talk or talks all the time; the point is that if we take on the burden of loving someone there is a price to pay but when we took the burden on, we agreed to pay it. I also inherited my brothers and my sister, my love for them is a burden I will never lay down.
And then there is this entire screwed up world out there that I can't seem to hide from. It smacks me in the face every single day, over and over again. So much hate and anger I don't even know if there is anything out there anymore that is the truth. I don't trust anything I hear on the so-called news these days. As of this day I am going out of my way not to hear another news cast again. I can't take it anymore. Why are people so hell bent on destroying each other? Friends hating friends, families hating each other, husbands and wives...where the hell does it end?
This has always been the most beautiful, sacred time of the year for me. Preparing for the celebration of the Baby Jesus birth, that miracle of miracles that changed the world. It breaks my heart that that little baby was born to die to save us from...this! How do these people sleep? Are they having migraines and sleepless nights followed by anxiety filled days? I think not. No, I hold meaning of Christmas close to my heart but I am not at all in any mood to celebrate this year.
