I Am A Coward

I am a coward. Mommy is gone and the thought of going to her funeral is making me physically ill. I don't want to see her laid out in a casket and hear people commenting about how good she looks and how long she suffered and that she's in a better place now. I don't want to watch my brothers and my sister helplessly mourn her passing. I am a coward and will be no help in consoling them. Each tear shed, each choking sob released by a sibling will tear at my heart as I try desperately to contain my own grief to the emotional island I will have to build if I am to survive this.

Knowing that I am not alone in not wanting to attend the funeral of a loved one is no comfort. No one wants to face these things I think. I know most people need the closure of a funeral and burial, I do not. Don's family has a tradition of no funeral and no service when they pass on, that is my wish as well.

The last time I saw my mother she gave me a few tokens to remember her by, it was a very emotional goodbye that day. The last time I talked to my mother I told her how much I loved her and she told me that she loved me too. I will never forget her voice, the sound of her breathing, the way she walked, the way she moved her hands or the way she used to let me stay up late with her because she knew I would not sleep if she sent me to bed. I'll never forget a million other things about her either, every one of them a vivid memory.

Do mothers understand how blessed they are to have the loyal love of a child?

There is always hope.

My Mother Passed Away

Mommy passed away yesterday morning. She had been sick for a very long time; that does not ease the pain of losing her Her funeral was preplanned so the only thing that needs to be established are the viewing hours and the grave side service time.

I have written of my mother here many times, she had a hard life. No matter how hard I tried we never had a close relationship. There was…is a tie there that cannot be broken even, I think, in death. Surely there must be some part of the woman who gave me life attached to me still. How could there not be? I struggle to come to grips with the fact that she is gone and to the very depths of my being I feel an almost physical denial. No! It cannot be! Then my waking mind tells me yes, it is so. I remind myself that we were not overly close and then I chastise myself for thinking such a thing at a time like this for there are no degrees of death. I have known for quite a few years now, long before Daddy passed, that I would never be so old that I would not need my parents. I suppose that knowledge did give me the foresight to appreciate them a little more. Mommy had a hard life but as Don said, she is in a better place now.

I really have no idea if this post is readable or not, I only needed to put pen to paper for a moment or two and it has I think, helped a bit.

There is always hope.