I Am A Coward

I am a coward. Mommy is gone and the thought of going to her funeral is making me physically ill. I don't want to see her laid out in a casket and hear people commenting about how good she looks and how long she suffered and that she's in a better place now. I don't want to watch my brothers and my sister helplessly mourn her passing. I am a coward and will be no help in consoling them. Each tear shed, each choking sob released by a sibling will tear at my heart as I try desperately to contain my own grief to the emotional island I will have to build if I am to survive this.

Knowing that I am not alone in not wanting to attend the funeral of a loved one is no comfort. No one wants to face these things I think. I know most people need the closure of a funeral and burial, I do not. Don's family has a tradition of no funeral and no service when they pass on, that is my wish as well.

The last time I saw my mother she gave me a few tokens to remember her by, it was a very emotional goodbye that day. The last time I talked to my mother I told her how much I loved her and she told me that she loved me too. I will never forget her voice, the sound of her breathing, the way she walked, the way she moved her hands or the way she used to let me stay up late with her because she knew I would not sleep if she sent me to bed. I'll never forget a million other things about her either, every one of them a vivid memory.

Do mothers understand how blessed they are to have the loyal love of a child?

There is always hope.