I Am A Coward

I am a coward. Mommy is gone and the thought of going to her funeral is making me physically ill. I don't want to see her laid out in a casket and hear people commenting about how good she looks and how long she suffered and that she's in a better place now. I don't want to watch my brothers and my sister helplessly mourn her passing. I am a coward and will be no help in consoling them. Each tear shed, each choking sob released by a sibling will tear at my heart as I try desperately to contain my own grief to the emotional island I will have to build if I am to survive this.

Knowing that I am not alone in not wanting to attend the funeral of a loved one is no comfort. No one wants to face these things I think. I know most people need the closure of a funeral and burial, I do not. Don's family has a tradition of no funeral and no service when they pass on, that is my wish as well.

The last time I saw my mother she gave me a few tokens to remember her by, it was a very emotional goodbye that day. The last time I talked to my mother I told her how much I loved her and she told me that she loved me too. I will never forget her voice, the sound of her breathing, the way she walked, the way she moved her hands or the way she used to let me stay up late with her because she knew I would not sleep if she sent me to bed. I'll never forget a million other things about her either, every one of them a vivid memory.

Do mothers understand how blessed they are to have the loyal love of a child?

There is always hope.

My Mother Passed Away

Mommy passed away yesterday morning. She had been sick for a very long time; that does not ease the pain of losing her Her funeral was preplanned so the only thing that needs to be established are the viewing hours and the grave side service time.

I have written of my mother here many times, she had a hard life. No matter how hard I tried we never had a close relationship. There was…is a tie there that cannot be broken even, I think, in death. Surely there must be some part of the woman who gave me life attached to me still. How could there not be? I struggle to come to grips with the fact that she is gone and to the very depths of my being I feel an almost physical denial. No! It cannot be! Then my waking mind tells me yes, it is so. I remind myself that we were not overly close and then I chastise myself for thinking such a thing at a time like this for there are no degrees of death. I have known for quite a few years now, long before Daddy passed, that I would never be so old that I would not need my parents. I suppose that knowledge did give me the foresight to appreciate them a little more. Mommy had a hard life but as Don said, she is in a better place now.

I really have no idea if this post is readable or not, I only needed to put pen to paper for a moment or two and it has I think, helped a bit.

There is always hope.

 

Round and Round My Mind It Goes

Where do some of the things that come into my head come from? I realize that while some of my thoughts and ideas may be new, perhaps even profound to me; they are hardly unique. I read somewhere once that every idea we have, every question and every answer has been thought of before…many times before. The thing that makes the thought uniquely ours is the way we approach it. For example: I suppose the idea that my ideas are not unique have simmered and stewed in my mind for years on end (it was quite some time ago that I read it) and every time it floated forward in my mind it has caused me to become a little befuddled, to say the least. On second thought, I won't bore you with examples.

As usual and thankfully, there isn't much happening in my little patch of the world. I simply cannot remember the last time I blogged and if I said anything about our trips to Colorado and North Dakota. That was in mid and late spring. Don got in his 47^th and 48^th states on his quest for the 50 States Club finishers. Though the trips were short, we managed to enjoy the experience. Other than those trips I have spent most of the summer hanging out here at the house, mixing hummingbird food. Those hummers have been hungry this year! Good, good news there is nothing broken on me, I have not been sick and I am feeling fine. I don't suppose that is a real news flash these days. It has been a couple of years since my bad luck streak ran out. Still, that was such a horrendous I can't help but stop and take stock once in a while. We did go to a couple of picnics and we went to Cleveland to visit a dear friend there twice. Now cross country has started again and Don will be busy with that until November.

Tomorrow…tomorrow I will achieve something important! What, you may ask, is an important achievement for me? Maybe I'll clean the bathroom. It's a bit too soon to do laundry, I don't yet have two baskets full and I hate to wash small loads. Perhaps I'll sit down here and write something brilliant that has been thought of many times before by who can say how many other people but I will say it in such a beautiful persuasive way that someone else will want to read it. Perhaps :D

There is always hope.

The Impetus I Need

One of these days I'm going to find the motivation to get something done. I am embarrassed to reveal the schedule I keep, but who knows, putting it out there may be the impetus I need to get moving. Don't worry; my current average day will not take long to read.

My day usually begins somewhere between 7:00 and 8:00 o'clock in the morning, though it is not unheard of to be up as early as 5:00 or sleep as late as 9:30. Most days I make the bed as I climb out of it. Then it's first things first, meds and coffee with Don (he is nearly always up before me) in the den and then breakfast. Now the most productive part of my day is done. Once in a while I will use the computer first thing in the morning, even with this modern marvel I don't accomplish much, I check email and weather and play cards. I used to go on to Facebook everyday but even that interest has waned. As for the rest of my day, I can only tell you that occasionally I pick up a dust cloth, and sweep, once a week or so I do the laundry and oh yes, I cook our meals. There you have it, that's what I do. OH! I forgot something very important. I walk most days of the week and I enjoy it.

I am not willing to say we live in a pigsty; though Don said so once to someone who was commenting on our clean house (I have a long memory dear and you live here too), you won't find dust an inch thick or 1 – 4 days dirty dishes piled up in the kitchen but you may find that the floor should be swept and the furniture could use a good dusting. Odds are good that the kitchen table will be covered with paper. I promise you will find the bathroom in good shape and the dusting and sweeping can be done in a trice. If only I could find the motivation to do it.

There is always hope.

 

 

Goodness It Was Cold

If anyone had told me that I would willingly go outside and walk for an hour in 15 degree weather, I would have laughed and said no way. Well, way; that's just what I did yesterday. My top half was warm enough in three layers but my bottom half was chilled to the bone, I only wore a single layer there. At least my feet were warm; I guess wool socks are good for more than preventing blisters.

The plan for today is to put in 3 to 4 miles depending on my pace and time. It is supposed to be warmer today, about 27 degrees, I'll take that.

I have been wondering about relationships lately. Husband/wife, friends, siblings and even parents it seems to me that when you set aside the ideal and hard worked for attainable goal of unconditional acceptance and peer into the depths of what is left, you will either find the glowing ambers of the loftier love or the rusty foundation of a disintegrating wall. The cause of the disintegration is, I believe, hate; born of jealousy or resentment or any of a number of things but it grows slowly and it festers until it finds a way to release some of the toxic sludge through a raised fist, a fowl word, a venomous look or some other vent. I have noted that in relationships where hate creeps in that the appearance of a solid, loving relationship (to the world) is very important. However, the astute observer may discover this lie by listening because in a love/hate relationship the hater cannot resist throwing out the occasional barb, almost as if it irks them for their partner to be too well liked. I have seen this in all sorts of relationships and have been on the receiving end myself, maybe I've been thinking about it because I'm cooped up with nothing much to do but think.

So…I am looking forward to walking later, it gives me other things to think about.

There is always hope.

 

A Wet Walk

I walked 4 miles yesterday. The sun did not come out to play, in fact it snowed the entire time I was out there and I was pretty much soaked through by the time I finished. My Yaktrax (correct sp) did a fine job in the snow and ice, though I have to admit that screwed shoes work just as well. I did walk on Wednesday, 2.3 miles; there was a time when that sounded like a long distance to me. Now I have to walk over 5 miles to impress myself.

I saw a dear friend today. I haven't seen her since before Christmas and I have been missing her badly. She is a good listener and an excellent conversationalist, we didn't get to visit for long but we made the most of our time together. There was a lot of catching up to do, she, poor dear, is recovering from a broken shoulder and I, having experience in that area told her she was doing very well. It's funny really how one can be friends with another for years, as we have, and I do not know how old she is. I would venture a guess of somewhere in her mid to late sixties. At any rate, it was wonderful to see her and we both agreed it should not be so long between our next visits.

There really isn't much more to say about what's going on in my life at the moment. I am going to try and distract myself so that the cabin fever that has set in entirely too early doesn't get me too far down. Strange, talking with my friend today there was no end to the things I wanted to say. I'll try to do better next time.

There is always hope.

I Need Motivation

Dear Sun, please come back to Ohio and brighten up my life. It's one of those days, you know, cloudy cold and icy; the kind of day that can bring you down even if you are lucky enough not to suffer with SAD during the long cold months of winter. I just looked at the extended weather report. Big mistake, more of the same through the entire forecast period, cloudy, cold and snow; boy oh boy am I in trouble it's a little early to have cabin fever.

Putting all of that gloomy stuff aside and looking forward through rose colored glasses (figuratively speaking) I have been thinking about my birthday that is coming up next Friday. Fifty-two, that's how old I will be. A nice round number that, to match a nice round woman LOL. This fifty something thing hasn't bothered me yet and I hope it doesn't.

I have taken off more days from walking than I should so far this month. Don screwed a pair of shoes for me so I can be more confident walking outside in the snow and ice. I bought myself a pair of Yaktraks (sp?), why I don't know, the screwed shoes are working out nicely. I believe it must be the weather, the reason that I can't seem to stay motivated to walk every day. The Garmin I received for Christmas has only been used a few times. But wait! I just remembered why I took at least 5 days off, I was sick with a terrible sinus thing that went to my chest (Don was sick at the same time with the same thing) and I couldn't stop sniffling and blowing my nose and coughing long enough to breathe let alone try to go for a walk. Don didn't run either. Well, that explains 5 days but it does not cover the others like yesterday, I just could not make myself get off of the couch and do it. The weather is no good excuse as I have a perfectly good (if somewhat noisy) treadmill. So here I am today, determined to walk but open to the smallest excuse not to. You know, my left pinkie hurts, maybe I need just one more day off or not. I think not, I hope I will walk today.

There is always hope.

You Have to Breathe to Walk

I am a few days late in posting my very short summary of 2010; it was a mostly quiet year with no health problems and no financial crisis, which I suppose really made it a very good year, and my goals for 2011. Partially because aside from walking, I really have not set any other goals, I am not a goal oriented person.

The biggest reason I haven't posted is because I have been down with the flu or a cold or a bug of some kind since last Monday. To make matters worse, I can get no sympathy from Don because he has it too. All we do is cough and blow our poor sore noses and moan. We communicate with each other in those moans; God, I can't take anymore, me either, oh no here comes a coughing fit, damn I have to blow my nose again, I can't believe I have to get up off this couch and go to the bathroom. Yes, lots of messages in those moans. We must be getting better, we are bored out of our minds but too weak to do anything but watch TV or sit at the computer.

So, I got a Garmin for Christmas and have only used it 2 times. It is sitting on my desk charged and waiting to go for a walk and I can barely walk from the kitchen to the den. I also got a walk in a box from JB, it had walking shoes and pants and wool socks and Gel Blasts and a cool music CD with walking tempo music and earmuffs with headphones built in. Now I just have to be able to breathe and then I can get back to doing the thing that I enjoy most.

That's enough for today, I think. It's time for a nap.

There is always hope.