My Radiation Therapy

Twenty-two radiation treatments down, eleven to go; if I weren't so tired all of the time I would hardly know anything different was happening to me. I have a little soreness in the crease under my breast and the entire breast and underarm area is pinkish red, but it doesn't hurt. After all my fretting and fears about what was going to happen to me, I feel a little silly now. I didn't find www.beyondtheshock.com until just a few days before my treatments began and I was really very afraid of radiation therapy. Thank goodness for Beyond The Shock because with the information I gleaned from there I was able to begin therapy with some semblance of dignity.

In my case I have to tell you that from the beginning I have felt that no matter what I go through I do not have the right to complain or make a fuss. My case is next to nothing, I have suffered not at all compared to other people with cancer. People who have to endure chemo and other medications and then when they have suffered everything that came down the pike, they have to tolerate weeks of radiation therapy. Those people have the right to complain; the people who endure all of that and know they are going to die anyway, those people have the right to voice their displeasure, not me. I have suffered not at all.

The simple truth is, I am tired. Nothing to be done about it, nothing else to be said, it is a fact.

Don has been a rock through this mess. He drives me to the cancer center each day and waits patiently for me to be done, we come home and he runs and then goes the cross country practice and does it all over again the next day. I don't know how he does it with such a positive attitude but he does. I try not to cause any other complications in his life; he has enough to do and then some.

I have not been walking as much as I should. I know I sound like a broken record here but there you have it, the truth. As always I keep telling myself that I will get to it and make a better job of it next week…

There is always hope.

I Am Worried

What a beautiful day it is. The conditions are perfect for just about anything a person might want to do. I walked 3.3 miles today, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the just right temperature of about 68 degrees. Our neighbor is harvesting corn, as I write this I listen to the thrum of the machine making its way through the field next to our house.

I have discovered a new source of information concerning breast cancer; it is www.beyondtheshock.com a place dedicated to answering the questions and concerns of breast cancer patients and their family and friends. The sight is sponsored by the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc with the support of medical experts, doctors and researchers. You can ask any questions you have concerning breast cancer and or its treatment, or you can read questions and answers posted by others. It really is a great source of information. I asked a question and received responses from other breast cancer patients who have gone through the same process; it was very informative and comforting.

I will be so glad when tomorrow gets here. I am so stressed about the radiation schedule; what if it conflicts with Don's schedule? Obviously if it does then I just won't have the therapy until November. It's bad enough that I'm going to be putting him through this 5 days a week for 5 weeks, I will not cause him any more inconvenience and that is a promise. I know I am worrying about something that may not even be an issue but I can't help it. All I can do is hope…

There is always hope.

I Wonder About Radiation Therapy

I met my medical oncologist the other day; I like him. He is passing me on to the radiation oncologist for the radiation therapy part of my treatment. Five days a week for 5 weeks, that sounds pretty intense to me. I hate to sound like a big baby but I am afraid. I know too well what sunburn feels like and I cannot go out without a bra and those are the least of my fears. I will see my medical oncologist again in 6 weeks. Radiation therapy will not begin for another week or two.

The lasagna dinner for the kids came off nicely. They all said it was good and they seemed to enjoy themselves. They watched Brother Where Art Thou, I know, they never cease to amaze. You just don't know what they are likely to choose.

I am very excited about Lee Child's new Reacher book coming out next Tuesday. It sure is starting off on the right track, I read the first few chapters on line and I am hooked. I probably won't buy the book until Wednesday, I have a doctor appointment then and I can't see using the extra gas to make the trip just to have the book one day sooner (though I would love to).

So, on Wednesday I will find out precisely when radiation therapy begins and I hope – get a few answers to some of my concerns…

There is always hope.

A Clean House

Ah, the satisfaction of a clean house. It looks good, it smells good and it feels good. We are having the cross country team over for lasagna on Thursday evening and I needed to spiff the place up a bit. And now I am clean too, I just got out of the shower, so now I can settle in and write up the shopping list for tomorrow. Don is at a cross country meet this evening so while I was cleaning I put some Rod Stewart on the CD player while I worked. Don really doesn't like him but he bought me all the Great American Song Book albums, what a sweet man I have.

I took a Percocet a little while ago; I'm having some pretty severe breast pain. I think the vacuuming caused it, makes sense really, it's the right breast that has cancer and has had the surgery and of course I am right handed. Its ok, the pill is kicking in. In the end it's all worth it, doing this for Don, having the kids over that is. He does so much for me and I know he wanted so much to have them over but he wouldn't ask me after just having surgery. It was my idea; I figure it's best to have them over now because if I have to have radiation therapy we don't know how I'll react to it. Best to do it now. What an amazing man my husband is. Do you know that he comes in with me at the surgeons? I hope he will come in with me at the oncologists too. I am such a lucky woman to have him.

Thanks to Don I am getting my walks in, though I do not plan to walk on Thursday. I don't seem to have much energy for a walk when we leave home but when I finish my walk I feel much better for having done it. Who knows, maybe I'll get some energy back now that I'm walking gain…

There is always hope.

A Little Disappointed

I had a disappointing appointment with the surgeon today. He couldn't tell me anything because the lab work isn't back yet; I'll see him again next week. His office set my appointment with an oncologist for September 6, and then I'll find out if I have to have radiation therapy.

The wound is still very tender and it seeps though the pain is significantly less.

Tomorrow I begin walking again and I am looking forward to it. I think one week off is plenty of time to lick my wounds and face the realities of what lies ahead. I have been evaluating myself and trying to see if I am facing this cancer thing head on or if I am shunting it to the side and trying to ignore it. My conclusion is that I am facing it. What I am doing is looking at it realistically; in my instance cancer is not a death sentence therefore I will not become an emotional wreck and make things difficult for myself or Don. I must admit that I am proud of myself and the way I have handled it so far.

Today is the first cross country meet of the season. I hope the kids have a really good year (of course that would mean their coach would also have a really good year) and go as teams to the regional meet.

There is always hope.

Now I Wait

On Wednesday the 15^th I had partial mastectomy surgery. It went well, I suppose as far as those things go. The wound is about 31/2 to 4"; I have pain but nothing like I have had in the past with other surgeries. The pain medication is working well.

Now I wait until Tuesday to hear what the doctor has to say. Maybe he will have changed his mind about radiation, that would be wonderful though I am not holding my breath. It is out of my hands and what will be will be.

All told I am feeling well enough. I do not have the patience for woe is me thinking and wild supposition about what the outcome of all of this may be. I believe that is a plus for me because I do not think I would do well with a lot of emotional baggage at the moment. I am thankful to continue as I have been…

There is always hope.

Saying It Out Loud

I have breast cancer. I wasn't going to say that out loud but some people have to be told and so it is out there now. Tomorrow I have surgery, a partial mastectomy; the follow up will be radiation. I am a very lucky woman, the cancer I have is contained in a small area and the doctor said that if I had to have cancer, this is the cancer to have because it is not fatal.

The reason I didn't want to tell anyone about the cancer is that I am afraid to test my luck. It feels as if I had kept it to myself I would be safe for sure. Now that everyone knows I am a little afraid that my good luck will end. Silly, I know but there you have it.

There is always hope.

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder about everything. It all seems like a mystery to me, how do we find the strength to go on with the knowledge we have? We watch the news and there are terrible things happening in the world and not just out there anymore, there are terrible things happening in our own back yards. I don't dwell on such things, if I did I would never smile again but sometimes I do wonder.

There is something that I am going to do next week and I am not looking forward to it. There is something that I am supposed to do as follow-up and I will not do it. I have decided that definitely. I will face opposition to my decision but I will not budge. It is my choice.

It is difficult to get motivated to walk these days, though I did walk 3 miles yesterday. Cross country season started today and our schedule will be a little wacked out for a few weeks until school starts. What that means is our walk/runs will have to be done later in the day when it is warmer – yuk. Of course I feel like yuk about walking right now anyway. I was doing pretty good there for a while. My times were improving and I was enjoying the experience of being out in the open air. Ah well, you can't have it all.

There is always hope.

Bringing You Up To Speed

The news came on August 2^nd, it is a game changer.

As often happens with life's larger events there is really nothing that can be done but ride it out with a positive attitude. And a positive attitude is exactly what I have. It could be so much worse, as a matter of fact in my case there is hardly anything at all. I am very lucky.

On to happier thoughts, we did take a mini vacation at the end of April to Geneva, OH. It really was quite nice. In May we concentrated on getting Don ready to run his last two marathons in his 50 state quest. At the end of May and early June Don and Rob flew out to Oregon and Washington to run the races. I am so proud of Don for fulfilling his quest, it was not all a walk in the park; some of those races were grueling. Later in June we bought a new car, another Impala and we love it. June ended with a trip to Cincinnati to see my favorite group, the Great Lake Swimmers in concert and they were great. On July 7, we celebrated our 35^th anniversary. How sweet it is to spend those years with the one who stole my heart all those years ago. And now here we are into August, cross country season begins Monday. Our summer is essentially over.

That pretty well gets you up to speed on what has been happening in my world these last few months. Most of it was very good, as for the bit that isn't…

There is always hope.

Looking Forwad

We've got some pretty exciting plans for the spring and early summer; beginning with a short vacation at the end of this month (of course Don will be training for his marathons in Oregon and Washington in early June where he will complete his 50 States) and ending with a Great Lake Swimmers concert in Cincinnati in late June. It should be a lot of fun and everything we are doing is oriented around running/walking so with any luck this little bit of shaking it up will help to inspire me to get back into walking. By the way, speaking of walking, the new music is helping.

We went to Boardman yesterday to take Don's Dad out for his 87^th birthday. It was a nice visit and we even had a little visit with JB. Mom and Dad seem to be doing well, they still pick at each other so I guess that means all is well.

No walk today, I have a sore calf, maybe tomorrow.

There is always hope.

Walking Is A Chore

I listened to The Four Preps yesterday while I walked; I imagine it has been at least three years since I last listened to them. I really enjoyed hearing 26 Miles again. I have added a large variety of music to my new MP3 player, much more than I had on my old one. I hope it helps to get me motivated to walk.

Walking, something I need to do for my health and something I used to like doing but the last few months it has been agony for me to put on my walking shoes and head out the door. I have no idea why it suddenly became a chore; at this point I really don't care all I want is to want to walk again. Maybe the new music will help.

As for the bathroom, it finally got a good cleaning and I even mopped the floors in the rest of the house. I know, I know it is astonishing! Who can say? Perhaps I am becoming motivated. Time will tell.

There is always hope.

Something to Say

What to do on this beautiful day? I should have gone to Kokosing and walked 4 miles, too late now, I missed the boat. I really am not in the mood to go for a long walk today which I find interesting because this is just the sort of day that I love to go out with my headset on and lose myself in music while I walk. The bathroom needs a good cleaning, I could always do that. I could go outside and play pickup sticks in the yard and clear away the debris of winter in preparation for mowing next week. There isn't much but there is some laundry to be washed, that sounds like fun…not. Oh, the possibilities are endless, where do I begin?

We have spent the last couple of months reading that is listening to books. We started out with The Lord of The Rings and we moved on to Harry Potter. We are now listening to The Order of the Phoenix. I do enjoy listening to books but I would rather read a good solid book, I don't know there is just something about holding the real thing in my hands. Then too there is the slight problem of one of us occasionally nodding off while we listen to a book, we have been known to have to replay large portions of discs. The best part of audio books is that we can read a book together, we do enjoy that. Speaking of books, I hear J K Rowling has written a novel for adults. She says it is very different from Harry Potter. I must confess I will be right there in line for my copy the day it is released.

I cannot imagine the pressure an author like J K Rowling would feel when writing something new after such a successful series as Harry Potter, it must be intimidating.

I miss blogging. I enjoyed it when I blogged more often it's just that I can't seem to think of anything to say. As I have said here before I am going to try to blog more often. Surely to goodness I have something to say.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 53^rd birthday. Of all the things a person could say about turning 53, and I am sure there are many, I seem to be able to think of only one. Another year older: not in a negative way, I am proud of my age and I do not believe I will ever be one of those people that lie about their age. No, I'm just another year older.

I seem to be in a bit of a rut and I have been here for a while now. I am having the devils own time motivating myself to do anything. The only thing I get done with efficiency is nothing; I am quite good at that. You might think that if it bothers me so much I would find the gumption to do something about it, because it really does bother me quite a lot, doing nothing. Oh I do the bare bones minimum to keep the house in running order; laundry, the occasional dusting and sweeping, things like that but that's about it. I don't even use all of this time I have pursuing my favorite things like reading and music and walking. I skate by doing only what I have to do. It really does distress me.

Something else that has been on my mind is smoking. It has been years since I smoked but I sometimes find myself wanting to smoke. I don't believe I would smoke if someone handed me a cigarette, all the stench and mess you know, but for some reason I have the urge to smoke. Oh well, smoking is not something I will take up again, I just find it curious that I have the urge to do it once in a while.

And there you have it, the two most prominent thoughts on my birthday. We are going out a little later to Red Lobster and some shopping that should fill out the day nicely. I woke up to snow and now it is very windy, there has been worse weather on my birthday. Who is to say? Maybe I will find some motivation soon and that will make me very happy.

There is always hope.