Yes Betty, There is Hope

Today I changed to a new internist; actually, I have seen him before, he used to be in with the doctors at the group I just left. The entire mess is too much to deal with, the headaches and high blood pressure and asthma and on and on and I take more prescribed drugs in one day than any self respecting junkie would take in a year. Golly, I wonder why I could be depressed. I am glad I changed doctors; this one recognized the symptoms of depression as soon as I mentioned six weeks ago or so I had hit rock bottom in the black abyss of despair. No dummy, this doctor, we shall see if his version of the happy pill works. I wouldn’t mind floating around like a happy little cloud, smiling and humming and bouncing all day. I vaguely remember doing that once without anything more than my love for God and all He created.

As for yesterday, I went to Cleveland Clinic and discovered that the MRA shows something (well I take that as a good sign, I was beginning to wonder if I had lost a few marbles) and of course since there is something they would like to do another High Contrast MRI of the base of the skull with contrast dye in order to get a better look and verify what the MRA saw. So… as the Hasher’s say, on on. The translation of all that is; between waiting for approval from the insurance company for the additional MRI, actually scheduling the test, and then scheduling the Dr.’s appointment, it will be two months until I go back to Cleveland Clinic. In the meantime, all I can do is spend another summer always running away from and never toward the light. You would not believe how good I have become at doing my hair and makeup in the dark. The doctor did confirm my theory; trigeminal neuralgia can indeed trigger a migraine, or the stress caused from pain can. Hello brain, get a clue! Pain + pain does not= relief.

Yikes! I truly am sorry you suffered through reading all of that. Sometimes a person has to vent it off somewhere and since I am too big a coward to try and find solace in any drug not prescribed for me or in alcohol or any other vice that normal people turn to, this is it. When I was a working woman my favorite thing to say when I was at work was, “As soon as I get out of here I am going straight to the bar and downing three margaritas and then I’m going to start drinking”. Everyone I ever worked with probably thought I was an alcoholic but the truth is I have never went to a bar alone in my entire life and any time I ever went with people from work I didn’t drink alcohol because I am such a light weight with the stuff I would not have been able to drive home after even one drink. At any rate, it was saying I was going to down three margaritas that I enjoyed; it made me smile just to say it.

One additional note on depression; did you know that there is a 12-Step Depressed Anonymous Group out there? I stumbled onto the link while doing a little research for something I am considering writing for submission to a regional newspaper. They are international with groups in Israel, Poland, and the United Kingdom and they are of course, here in the US, though they are not established in every state, Ohio, for instance does not have a chapter. I have to admit it the concept fascinates me. Having never had the misfortune (praise God) to be addicted to anything other than cigarettes, I am not really familiar with the 12-Step approach to things but it makes sense to me that depression could be viewed from the addictive point of view because once a person reaches the black bottom of the abyss it takes near super human will power to begin the long journey back to the light. It is much easier to give in to the persuasive, almost seductive pull of the mind numbing, emotionless despair of eternal blackness. In any case, if you are interested, check it out.

Enough of all that for this day, again, I apologize for being less than I am capable of being please understand that I am trying. Perhaps it’s because I am light headed from breathing the rarefied air up here where I am hanging out these days, on God’s shoulders. One promise I have made to myself. I will not change the way I close each post because I know one day I will believe it again.

There is always hope.