I am fixable; that is what Dr. Tepper at the Cleveland Clinic tells me and I believe her. Just one more test to see if surgery is an option and then the rest is up to me and medication adjustments. As for me, what can I say; I’m in it for the long haul. As for the medication, it is already beginning to have some unpleasant side effects; I will get by those. The really awesome news is that I may not have had strokes at all! The next test will give a definitive answer on that point as well as the surgery thing.
Today I had a mini-meltdown; I was alone and I am grateful for that because I am positive Don would have been clueless as to what to do. Flaming forsythia, even I didn’t know what to do but cry (which is very unlike me). I suppose the problem started last week when I started the new changes in medication and continued to escalate in the process of weaning myself off one med and adding another by slowly ramping up the dosage; add to that the fact that I have been trying to get my prescriptions changed from one carrier to another and am having problems getting the doctor’s office to write new scripts for those that will not transfer and the tension kept building. If that were not enough I only just today recovered from another very bad migraine. Put it all together and you have the perfect recipe for a Betty melt-down; not a pretty sight in any circumstance.
Just when I was beginning to feel lonely and abandoned (which we should never do) I glanced out my kitchen window and watched a chickadee scamper out of my bird feeder (yes, she was inside it) and fly away; and then out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of one of my favorite fair weather friends, the Common Flicker. For those of you who may not know, the common flicker is a woodpecker about 11” in size and they can provide hours of hilarious entertainment as they scratch and peck on the ground looking for ants and insects. There seems to be nothing they enjoy more on a hot August day than a good dust bath and I have watched them linger a good long while at their ablutions. I stood there at my kitchen sink looking out at the wilderness of my back yard and watched a pair of robins. How could I have gone 49 years and never before seen that the male robin does indeed have a deep red breast and that his lady has a more demure rust colored breast? A pair of rabbits was scurrying round doing what rabbits do this time of year, and a groundhog was obviously in hog heaven at the salt block we set out for the deer. No longer lonely with my friends just outside the window to keep me company I set about getting dinner ready.
There is always hope.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Great Lady Bug Hunt
The use of the word hate generally rings a note of distaste in me, it is a truly terrible word and when directed at another human being it is always used with the intention of inflicting pain. There are exceptions to every rule and one major exception in the use of the word hate is when it is applied to bugs. I hate bugs with a true, deep and abiding hate that is so powerful it makes me tremble. At the moment I hate lady bugs to the point of total distraction.
Jennifer said I am a freak, when it comes to some things I suppose she is correct; when it comes to others, I suppose it is only a matter of time until the men in the little white coats come looking for me. Bugs; what can I say? I have been known to sleep in my own bed with cotton in my ears for fear a bug would… let's not go there. While I go tooling round my yard on my John Deere riding mower I have my ears plugged with cotton not because of noise but because of bugs. To clarify; my own unique definition of bug is: anything smaller than a human baby that crawls, walks, flies or rides its' way into within ten feet of me.
I have spent the last half hour on a quest for bugs in my house. With Tchaikovsky's Capriccio Italien boldly playing on the CD player I stalked and swept and vacuumed and I hope I have cleared my house of the dreaded bugs for once and for all. It would seem that I have a lady bug infestation and Don can't seem to stop laughing at my freakish obsession of wanting to get rid of them. I get no help from that corner, I can tell you. He is due home any moment from track practice and then my hunt will begin again because every time the doors are opened about a thousand bugs come in.
At least I don't have to worry about what I'll be doing tomorrow.
There is always hope.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Dragons, Pooh Bear and Unicorns
The first song I can recall striking a deep emotional chord in me is Puff the Magic Dragon; I was four years old when it was recorded by Peter, Paul and Mary in 1963 and the fate of poor Puff, destined to spend eternity waiting for Jackie Paper to return broke my heart and drove me to tears. I loved it. From the first note to the last I was carried away on ships that sailed to the lands of noble princes who bowed when ere we came. To this day I have a very soft spot in my heart for Puff the Magic Dragon.
While I am revealing secrets about what a sop I am I may as well tell you about the other song guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes. For those of you who know me, you may not be surprised to hear that the other song is Return to Pooh corner by Kenny Loggins. I am not precisely certain why this song evokes such a strong emotional response from me. I didn’t have a Pooh bear or anything resembling one and the whole idea of the 100 Acre Wood would have seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. At any rate, by the time I heard about Winnie the Pooh and his friends I was too old to be taken in by the cartoon and stories in the way that toddlers are. Nevertheless, I fell hook, line and sinker for Pooh and friends; I offer my collection of Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia as proof of my continued devotion to all things Pooh. Having said that, I confess that when I hear the song, Return to Pooh Corner, I often weep like a baby who cannot find a loved and favored blanket or bear.
Another song I have a strong attachment to is The Last Unicorn from the movie of the same name, performed by America. The song is about the unicorn telling the world that “I’m alive!” and you will not defeat me Come to think of it, there are too many songs that have special meaning for me, hundreds if not thousands of them actually. Oh well, I only wanted to share with you some of the music that I like the most.
There is always hope.
While I am revealing secrets about what a sop I am I may as well tell you about the other song guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes. For those of you who know me, you may not be surprised to hear that the other song is Return to Pooh corner by Kenny Loggins. I am not precisely certain why this song evokes such a strong emotional response from me. I didn’t have a Pooh bear or anything resembling one and the whole idea of the 100 Acre Wood would have seemed the most natural thing in the world to me. At any rate, by the time I heard about Winnie the Pooh and his friends I was too old to be taken in by the cartoon and stories in the way that toddlers are. Nevertheless, I fell hook, line and sinker for Pooh and friends; I offer my collection of Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia as proof of my continued devotion to all things Pooh. Having said that, I confess that when I hear the song, Return to Pooh Corner, I often weep like a baby who cannot find a loved and favored blanket or bear.
Another song I have a strong attachment to is The Last Unicorn from the movie of the same name, performed by America. The song is about the unicorn telling the world that “I’m alive!” and you will not defeat me Come to think of it, there are too many songs that have special meaning for me, hundreds if not thousands of them actually. Oh well, I only wanted to share with you some of the music that I like the most.
There is always hope.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter, Mayhem and Aliens
Happy Easter! I hope everyone is enjoying this most sacred of all Christian holidays.
As for me, I have recovered from the migraine that rocked my world more forcefully than did the students at Boardman High School’s Project Mayhem concert on Wednesday night. I knew I had a migraine coming on when we went to the concert but it is such a rare thing for us to attend anything the kids (nieces or nephews) do that I just could not back out. Truth told I am very glad I went; we sat with Curt and Erica and were able to see Bill, Amy and Matthew. Regrettably, I was not the only member of his (Matthew’s) fan club and I was unable to get close enough to say hello but even a glimpse from a distance was a treat to these hungry old auntie eyes. As for the concert, it was awesome. Those kids put their hearts into it and it showed; we enjoyed it immensely but Don says next time we’ll try a little harder to make it to a traditional concert LOL.
On to other, worldlier matters; I heard on the news today that Colorado is trying to work out legislation to bring alien workers to their farms; they would arrange transportation for and provide housing to these workers in order to acquire affordable help when they most need it. We should all be concerned with the farmer and his plight since much of his expense shows up in the grocery store. Here is my argument against importing workers. I can promise you that there are American citizens (perhaps not tens of thousands but many thousands at least) who are in desperate need of work (even at the wages paid to aliens) and cannot afford the transportation to get to employment or the housing when they reach their destination. If we have reached the point in social discourse where we can openly admit that there is still racism in this country (undeniably on all sides) then I say that it is also time that we say right out loud that there are Americans of every color who are, on a daily basis, cold and hungry and afraid that the car they call home may be stolen while they are out trying to make a days wages in order to feed their starving and sick children. That problem my friends is the most bipartisan problem this country faces and until we have addressed it we should not bring other unfortunate souls here to suffer struggle in conditions that no politician could endure.
There you have it, my Sunday sermon; unfortunately, what I say is true. Even so, this is a great nation and all we have to do to perpetuate it is work together.
There is always hope.
As for me, I have recovered from the migraine that rocked my world more forcefully than did the students at Boardman High School’s Project Mayhem concert on Wednesday night. I knew I had a migraine coming on when we went to the concert but it is such a rare thing for us to attend anything the kids (nieces or nephews) do that I just could not back out. Truth told I am very glad I went; we sat with Curt and Erica and were able to see Bill, Amy and Matthew. Regrettably, I was not the only member of his (Matthew’s) fan club and I was unable to get close enough to say hello but even a glimpse from a distance was a treat to these hungry old auntie eyes. As for the concert, it was awesome. Those kids put their hearts into it and it showed; we enjoyed it immensely but Don says next time we’ll try a little harder to make it to a traditional concert LOL.
On to other, worldlier matters; I heard on the news today that Colorado is trying to work out legislation to bring alien workers to their farms; they would arrange transportation for and provide housing to these workers in order to acquire affordable help when they most need it. We should all be concerned with the farmer and his plight since much of his expense shows up in the grocery store. Here is my argument against importing workers. I can promise you that there are American citizens (perhaps not tens of thousands but many thousands at least) who are in desperate need of work (even at the wages paid to aliens) and cannot afford the transportation to get to employment or the housing when they reach their destination. If we have reached the point in social discourse where we can openly admit that there is still racism in this country (undeniably on all sides) then I say that it is also time that we say right out loud that there are Americans of every color who are, on a daily basis, cold and hungry and afraid that the car they call home may be stolen while they are out trying to make a days wages in order to feed their starving and sick children. That problem my friends is the most bipartisan problem this country faces and until we have addressed it we should not bring other unfortunate souls here to suffer struggle in conditions that no politician could endure.
There you have it, my Sunday sermon; unfortunately, what I say is true. Even so, this is a great nation and all we have to do to perpetuate it is work together.
There is always hope.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I Cannot Associate Myself With Obama
The talk of the town, if you watch the news, though not exclusively devoted to the 2008 presidential race; does center on Barack Obama and the speech he gave today in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I watched the speech hoping to be swayed in favor of Sen. Obama; I was sorely disappointed. There is in my opinion, no way for Sen. Obama to redeem himself in association with Rev. Wright. Not only has the senator refused to disassociate himself with his former pastor, he has also admitted to what he denied only last Friday; that he (Obama) has in fact been in church and heard firsthand the mean minded and highly prejudicial convictions espoused by Rev. Wright. “Yes,” Obama said today, “I have sat in church and listened to his (Rev. Wright’s) controversial remarks… He has a profoundly distorted view of America.” I am appalled at the news sound bites that I have heard, both from Rev. Wright and Sen. Obama both of whom have a significant and devoted audience. I understand that the Rev. has a right to free speech, but it makes me furious that he has attacked the United States of America. Flawed as we are; I believe this country to be occupied by good, hard working and determined people who will never stand idly by and watch as people like Rev. Wright try to rip this nation apart by causing a hateful racial war. White as I am, I refuse to deny the history of this country of mine and I just as vehemently refuse to disassociate myself with the progress we have made in addressing the consequences of all prejudicial and mean hearted convictions. It is my firm conviction that I am not alone when I say that the color of someone’s skin or their ethnicity makes no difference. We are all of us responsible for the moral development of future generations and I believe we are up to the task of instilling high standards of acceptance and forgiveness in the hearts and minds of this nation’s young.
That said, I also believe there were valid and important points made in Sen. Obama’s speech. He addressed the challenges poor white people face on a daily basis and many other things that crossed racial boundaries. He referenced blood relatives on three continents and his black father and white mother. Sadly for me, he was unable to say a thing that justified his association of twenty years with a man who said the kinds of things that Rev. Wright did.
I am trying to keep an open mind about all the candidates in both major parties. It is… difficult.
There is always hope.
That said, I also believe there were valid and important points made in Sen. Obama’s speech. He addressed the challenges poor white people face on a daily basis and many other things that crossed racial boundaries. He referenced blood relatives on three continents and his black father and white mother. Sadly for me, he was unable to say a thing that justified his association of twenty years with a man who said the kinds of things that Rev. Wright did.
I am trying to keep an open mind about all the candidates in both major parties. It is… difficult.
There is always hope.
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Open Road the Treadmill and the Party
We watched Into The Wilderness the other day and I have to say I liked the movie, though the ending was not what I expected it to be. I suppose one reason the story appealed to me is that I have always wished that I were brave enough to chuck it all and hit the open road.
I cannot begin to imagine how so much freedom would feel after 49 years of being someone's daughter or wife. Granted, there is very little I would change if I could go back and do it all again... still, I cannot help but wonder. Would that kind of freedom be as gloriously adventurous as I imagine? What would it feel like to wake up to the sound of the ocean and fall asleep to the sounds of the mountains as they settles into rest? Think of the valleys and the rivers and the sunrises and sunsets; and the people. Hard working and proud of it (as they should be) or rich and lazy (as I sometimes wish to be) and what of the people with stories to tell. Beaten down by age and worry or those who have attained a higher plain where their lives are lived in enlightened serenity. The experiences and opportunities are endless. There is no telling what I would give to be brave enough to do those things; I am too much of a coward (and at this point too old) to do anything but dream. Cari (my brave and beautiful niece) knows and I am very proud that courageous woman!
So much for dreaming, it is a sweet luxury that sadly can be endulged in only when time permits. I have much to tell and I believe the best place to start is at the end.
After sleeping in rather late (I worked and traveled all night long in my dreams and was, therefore very tired) I goofed around on the computer for a while (regrettably I had to pester Bill about tickets for the concert on Wednesday because I forget what he told me) and then when Don went off to track practice I forced myself down the basement steps and on to the treadmill. I walked 2 miles today and I have to say it is about time I did! Now if I can only force myself to repeat that feat again tomorrow I will have a good start to spring.
Yesterday, we had the Indoor Track Team over for an end of season party. It's always fun for me when they come over and I wish it could be more often. We had lasagna, watched two movies and ate the surprise birthday cake Liz and Haley brought for Don; they also gave him a very nice gift card for one of his favorite restaurants. I think they enjoyed themselves, or at least I hope they did.
Time is running out and Don is home and ready for dinner. Maybe I'll have a little more time to spend here tomorrow after my walk.
There is always hope.
I cannot begin to imagine how so much freedom would feel after 49 years of being someone's daughter or wife. Granted, there is very little I would change if I could go back and do it all again... still, I cannot help but wonder. Would that kind of freedom be as gloriously adventurous as I imagine? What would it feel like to wake up to the sound of the ocean and fall asleep to the sounds of the mountains as they settles into rest? Think of the valleys and the rivers and the sunrises and sunsets; and the people. Hard working and proud of it (as they should be) or rich and lazy (as I sometimes wish to be) and what of the people with stories to tell. Beaten down by age and worry or those who have attained a higher plain where their lives are lived in enlightened serenity. The experiences and opportunities are endless. There is no telling what I would give to be brave enough to do those things; I am too much of a coward (and at this point too old) to do anything but dream. Cari (my brave and beautiful niece) knows and I am very proud that courageous woman!
So much for dreaming, it is a sweet luxury that sadly can be endulged in only when time permits. I have much to tell and I believe the best place to start is at the end.
After sleeping in rather late (I worked and traveled all night long in my dreams and was, therefore very tired) I goofed around on the computer for a while (regrettably I had to pester Bill about tickets for the concert on Wednesday because I forget what he told me) and then when Don went off to track practice I forced myself down the basement steps and on to the treadmill. I walked 2 miles today and I have to say it is about time I did! Now if I can only force myself to repeat that feat again tomorrow I will have a good start to spring.
Yesterday, we had the Indoor Track Team over for an end of season party. It's always fun for me when they come over and I wish it could be more often. We had lasagna, watched two movies and ate the surprise birthday cake Liz and Haley brought for Don; they also gave him a very nice gift card for one of his favorite restaurants. I think they enjoyed themselves, or at least I hope they did.
Time is running out and Don is home and ready for dinner. Maybe I'll have a little more time to spend here tomorrow after my walk.
There is always hope.
Friday, March 7, 2008
A New Perspective
I find it fascinating, the way our preconceptions, perspectives and priorities can change in the blink of an eye. One moment we can be tooling along, a jaunty grin lurking around the corners of our mouths and the next we stop dead in our tracks; the grin replaced by jaw dropping incredulity that we are human and not, as we supposed, immortal. Further, that though we have the knowledge and power to prevent or at least reduce the risks or the severity of those things that would threaten our fragile mortality, we often recognize the problem too late. How then do we find ourselves in this position? When did we make the decision to ignore all common sense and caution and do the exact opposite of what we know to be the healthy and wisest course? In addition, the result of that less than responsible behavior is the undeniable truth that we have put ourselves in jeopardy of becoming at best disabled and at worst dead! We are fallible and the sooner we recognize that fact the sooner we can maneuver ourselves back to the center of the straight and narrow path of life. Back to the safety and surety of the trek trodden so successfully by so many before us; back to the comfort of company of friends and family.
All of that senseless prattle and pretentious posturing has a point. I have been debating exactly what I wanted to say in this post since last Friday. It is difficult and I am not precisely sure why that is. I have been open and honest about personal things here in the past and I found it comforting to express my feelings and concerns. Since I can think of no way to gently reveal the latest development in my long slow slide down; I will just say it. I had a MRI of the brain last week. The results show that I have had several small strokes. NO! There is no need to be overly concerned; but given the problems I have had controlling headaches and Trigeminal Neuralgia my neurologist has referred me to the Cleveland Clinic. WHAT! Well now, that’s something to think about and make no mistake about it.
First item; I am so lucky. I know I am and I cannot begin to imagine all of the truly terrible things a MRI of the brain could have shown. God is truly carrying me right now and I am so grateful for that. Second, just because I have been referred to Cleveland Clinic it doesn’t mean there is some mysterious and fatal problem that only they can handle. Though I do give myself a nod of sympathy due to the fact that the last time I was referred to Columbus University the surgeon found a large and rare tumor that my local hospital somehow missed. Intellectually I know nothing like that will happen this time, it’s just that I have a very vivid imagination and well, the mind will wonder.
I have decided that I will not have another small stroke. I am, as of Monday on a 700 calorie a day diet. I will walk every day for at least 45 minutes and I will not have a big stroke.
There is always hope.
All of that senseless prattle and pretentious posturing has a point. I have been debating exactly what I wanted to say in this post since last Friday. It is difficult and I am not precisely sure why that is. I have been open and honest about personal things here in the past and I found it comforting to express my feelings and concerns. Since I can think of no way to gently reveal the latest development in my long slow slide down; I will just say it. I had a MRI of the brain last week. The results show that I have had several small strokes. NO! There is no need to be overly concerned; but given the problems I have had controlling headaches and Trigeminal Neuralgia my neurologist has referred me to the Cleveland Clinic. WHAT! Well now, that’s something to think about and make no mistake about it.
First item; I am so lucky. I know I am and I cannot begin to imagine all of the truly terrible things a MRI of the brain could have shown. God is truly carrying me right now and I am so grateful for that. Second, just because I have been referred to Cleveland Clinic it doesn’t mean there is some mysterious and fatal problem that only they can handle. Though I do give myself a nod of sympathy due to the fact that the last time I was referred to Columbus University the surgeon found a large and rare tumor that my local hospital somehow missed. Intellectually I know nothing like that will happen this time, it’s just that I have a very vivid imagination and well, the mind will wonder.
I have decided that I will not have another small stroke. I am, as of Monday on a 700 calorie a day diet. I will walk every day for at least 45 minutes and I will not have a big stroke.
There is always hope.
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