I have been broken. A
while ago, some years ago, I went through a terrible time of fear, pain, and
darkness. I was well and truly broken,
so broken that I could not face God. I
believed and I knew he was there, watching over me but I was so shattered that
I did not believe I was worthy of His Grace.
During that time I did not need pity, I needed shelter. At the time I did not know what I needed, I
really didn’t think I would ever be whole again. I have read and heard it said that when you
have been broken it is a chance to rebuild yourself, stronger and with a better
foundation for the experience. It is
true. What a terrifying journey it was
to be broken; I lost all sense of self worth, my identity was stolen from me,
my soul was torn to shreds only hanging on by a thread. I felt like nothing. I felt inhuman, Invisible, worthless. It was a long and dark road that I traveled
and I wish that journey on no one.
It took years for me to recover from that experience and
they were hard years. During that time
of despair I had to continue living in front of others, acting as normal as I
was capable of (if anyone could ever describe me as normal). I am still unsure of how well I pulled that
off but I gave it my best shot. During
that time I took the drugs prescribed by the doctor and had many therapy
sessions (this is difficult to admit) and gradually, over time the drugs went
away one by one and the therapy sessions ended and I found my way back to the
light. Now, some years later, I think
that I may be as recovered from being broken as I will ever be. Though I would
never have recovered but for the Grace of God, in the end I give much of the
credit of my recovery to Don. That time
of darkness did, I think change both of us though of course him to a lesser degree;
still he is much more patient with me now.
The thing is I don‘t believe that I will ever fully recover from being
broken. I am a little more tentative, a
little more sensitive to others moods and almost desperate to avoid loud
talking. However, parts of me have come
back just as strong if not stronger and happier. I refuse to wake up in the morning in a
grumpy mood, I feel I owe it to both of us to see the possibilities in each new
day and I thank God each day for life and Don.
Coming back from being broken is not easy, how could it be,
but given time, compassion and the right help it can be done. Another point to make is that depression and
being broken is not the same thing. When
you are broken you are depressed but it goes way beyond that, miles beyond that
into a realm that will change you forever if you survive it and it takes
strength to survive it.
No matter how shattered you are and how black the world
seems, there is always hope though you may not see it it is there, like
God.
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