Sidelined

I am sidelined from exercise, no walking or exercising for few days. If I am honest I have to admit that in a way it is a bit of a relief. It’s kind of a struggle to breathe at the moment but that will soon be fixed, I am taking some good antibiotics and steroids. The only problem with the good drugs is that they are causing a good amount of pain and I am having a rough night. It’s 2:45 am. Oh well, all things come round in the end. I’ll be fine soon enough, just listen to me whine. I am merely miserable, not suffering, people with serious illnesses suffer, I am not in that category, thank God.

So I am looking forward to a good Wednesday, I know it is going to be a glorious day. We will be feeding our garden and cutting fresh lettuce for salad. Oh my word! We grow the best tasting lettuce I have ever had in my entire life! It really is awesome. It’s all due to the care Don took in amending the soil and preparing our garden for planting and of course we are feeding our precious food lots of Miracle Grow. I really can’t wait for the tomatoes to come in and the spaghetti squash, yum.

I’ve spent the last couple of hours culling out some of my old files and cleaning up things that should have been deleted. I have read many things that were written in my dark days; they were indeed dark days. As I read some of those things I cannot believe that person was really me. I was so full of despair, so hopeless…I can only thank God and Don for saving me. Anyway, I’ve dumped a large portion of that suffering, I have given it to the Lord, I don’t want it anymore. However…I did save one very dark poem I wrote, I am sure it isn’t very good but I kind of like it because it does end with what I feel is a positive note. You decide;

The Spirit Fades

Please my children, turn your eyes and do not watch
As despair savages my soul.
The bleak blackness that sucks from the light all thought.
Quivering, quaking threads of hope lay cowering,
Shrinking, beating out a fading tattoo.
To late my children, you have stood too near and watched me die.
Quickly now my children, take this gift this last gently pulsing
Timid glow, shelter it nourish it encourage it to grow.
Softly I breathe, tenderly my children, you have in your hands my soul.

Well I like it. It is in the end a message of renewal. There is always hope.

I Remember Colleen

About 25 years ago or so my mother-in-law told me that she had done her living and she was waiting to die. I thought that was sad. 25 years ago my mother-in-law was 60 years old; I am 56 years old now and I hate to admit it but until recently I have been feeling that same way. My mantra each day on rising and several times through the day I would say to myself that I wanted to die. I thought of my mother-in-law and thought, you are in for a very long wait because life is way too long for people like us.
What happened? I really don’t know but I am working from the premise that it was the power of prayer that finally lead me into the light.



Last year, a friend and a woman of Faith was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. To say she was a friend is to simple a word for what she represented in my life; she stood a step above most others, she was washed in the light of the Lord. She was a true gift to those of us she touched. The list of things she did for me is long; the last thing she did was bring me back to the light. Her name was Colleen Theusch, I miss her and I thank her very much. When I heard how sick Colleen was I did something that I had not done in a very long time, I prayed. As dark as my world was, as shattered as my spirit had been, not even then did I pray, I was unworthy, that’s how I felt. I would not pray for me but I did pray for Colleen. I prayed many times a day and I was very specific in my prayers, the more I prayed the more I added to my prayers, there were others that I loved who needed help. In the end, Colleen passed on but I continued to pray and it was, I am sure the praying that brought me back to the light.

Slowly, by small degrees my life has opened before me and it is beautiful. I have been gifted with a loving husband and friends and a home that is beautiful and safe and I no longer live in fear. There is nothing I want for or need because I have God lighting the path before my feet. Life is good and I hope I live a very long time. There is always hope.

I'll Take Another Day Like This Please

What A Wonderful World as sung by Louis Armstrong, my favorite song and in my little corner of the world on this particular day it is indeed a wonderful world.  My favorite gospel song for years has been How Great Thou Art but I think perhaps a new song may be edging it out; I Praise You as sung by Johna Renee and written by Johna Rosier.  It's been a music filled day for me and anytime it's a music day it's a great day in my book. 



It has been an active day to be sure, we went to Findley State Park and did a walk/run, I walk, Don runs and we generally enjoy ourselves.  It rained today and for me, it was such a gift!  I do truly love to walk in the rain; it is a wonderful feeling, freeing and exhilarating and it's a celebration.  It was a perfect day for me and I hope it was for Don as well.  He had a good run, even with the rain and mud.  The thing is; if we get wet in the rain, we will dry out, if we get muddy it will wash off no worries.  It's all part of participating in life you've got to get out there and live it.  So It's been a music day with walking in the rain and shared with Don...it just doesn't get much better than that.  God is was raining down His Grace on me today, yes it was a gift.



As this day draws to close and I begin to plan my day for tomorrow I am thinking that maybe I'll just walk on my treadmill tomorrow .  I've got lots of things I need to do here in the house and a good easy 2 miles after my great PR on my 5 miler today sounds like just the thing.  Maybe I'll go out to the garden and poke around a little too, you just never know.




There is always hope.

On Being Broken

I have been broken.  A while ago, some years ago, I went through a terrible time of fear, pain, and darkness.  I was well and truly broken, so broken that I could not face God.  I believed and I knew he was there, watching over me but I was so shattered that I did not believe I was worthy of His Grace.  During that time I did not need pity, I needed shelter.  At the time I did not know what I needed, I really didn’t think I would ever be whole again.  I have read and heard it said that when you have been broken it is a chance to rebuild yourself, stronger and with a better foundation for the experience.  It is true.  What a terrifying journey it was to be broken; I lost all sense of self worth, my identity was stolen from me, my soul was torn to shreds only hanging on by a thread.  I felt like nothing.  I felt inhuman, Invisible, worthless.  It was a long and dark road that I traveled and I wish that journey on no one.

It took years for me to recover from that experience and they were hard years.  During that time of despair I had to continue living in front of others, acting as normal as I was capable of (if anyone could ever describe me as normal).  I am still unsure of how well I pulled that off but I gave it my best shot.  During that time I took the drugs prescribed by the doctor and had many therapy sessions (this is difficult to admit) and gradually, over time the drugs went away one by one and the therapy sessions ended and I found my way back to the light.  Now, some years later, I think that I may be as recovered from being broken as I will ever be. Though I would never have recovered but for the Grace of God, in the end I give much of the credit of my recovery to Don.  That time of darkness did, I think change both of us though of course him to a lesser degree; still he is much more patient with me now.  The thing is I don‘t believe that I will ever fully recover from being broken.  I am a little more tentative, a little more sensitive to others moods and almost desperate to avoid loud talking.  However, parts of me have come back just as strong if not stronger and happier.  I refuse to wake up in the morning in a grumpy mood, I feel I owe it to both of us to see the possibilities in each new day and I thank God each day for life and Don.

Coming back from being broken is not easy, how could it be, but given time, compassion and the right help it can be done.  Another point to make is that depression and being broken is not the same thing.  When you are broken you are depressed but it goes way beyond that, miles beyond that into a realm that will change you forever if you survive it and it takes strength to survive it.

No matter how shattered you are and how black the world seems, there is always hope though you may not see it it is there, like God.