Rob

I don’t believe I have ever gone into any detail about my relationship with Rob; this seems to be the perfect time because it is a very exciting time for him.  We met Rob when he was about thirteen so he was still very much a kid.  That made me about twenty-four years old.  Nowhere near old enough to be his mother, I know, but wait and read on.

He was a great kid.  Fantastic sense of humor, Rob was up for anything that included practical jokes or trickery.  And he was earnest; if a job needed doing he did with great dispatch and a minimum of teenage grumbling.  Straight from the get go he was a friend, ready to be there in any need and more than willing to carry his share of the burden.  It didn’t take long for us to want to include Rob in our life; he spent time with us on weekends whenever his parents allowed it and he even took a few trips with us where we made some great memories.  All and all he was a happy person to be with and a genuine friend.

Things at home were not as they should be but that is Rob’s story to tell.  We had known him for a few years and the relationship continued to grow; there came a time when Rob decided he was moving away from home and striking out on his own.  We were appalled at the idea of him doing that; he was still in high school!  You have to understand; Rob was a smart young man.  He knew if he cut loose from home that he would have to work to support himself and he knew what kind of bills he would be looking at, but he was determined.  Don had a talk with him and as things worked out Rob ended up moving in with us.  I guess that’s when the mothering instinct kicked into high gear.  When he moved out it was my fault and I cried for days.

I am at a loss as to how to describe exactly why I feel so motherly for Rob.  The age difference isn’t all that great between us and yet it is.  There he was just a kid and I was all grown up and well into womanhood and I didn’t see him getting very much mothering so I stepped in.  It was also shortly after I had my hysterectomy and I knew I would never have a child of my own but I needed one desperately and there he was.  I only know that over the years the feeling has not gone away but grown stronger.  There is never a time when I cease to be aware of him; he is there and if I know he is doing well then that is good and I don’t have to put him on the front burner and worry.  If we don’t hear from him for a while I get worried and wonder what is going on.  I have no way of knowing if these are feelings that real mothers have but to me that’s what it feels like.  I want to protect him if he isn’t doing well and I worry myself to distraction when he is sick.

He has grown into a fine man and father.  He has put himself through college and kept climbing ladders at work.  He is an inspiration to others in his kindness and generosity.  If I had been able to have son I would have wanted him to be exactly like Rob (except as a mother I would not want to know some of the things he has done!  too scary!).

The exciting thing for Rob is that he has been blessed to find his one true love, Johna, and they are getting married on November 1 in Jamaica.  Oh, I wish them joy and I wish them peace; they love each other so much it hurts.  You can see it in their eyes.

As the Bob Marley song Johna sent me says “Every Little Thing Gonna Be Alright”

There is always hope.

A Bonafide Writer

             I have, from time to time, tried my hand at writing fiction.  I have started other blogs with burning bed themes and other desperate topics but they never went anywhere.  I just couldn’t maintain an interest in the topic.  So…I have decided to close out those blogs (especially since I did not indicate they were a work of fiction to begin with, which I should have) and try my hand at non-fiction for a while.  What a pity; I had such high dreams of becoming a bonafide writer, ah well I guess it isn’t meant to be.

                I was thinking the other day that on August 15 of last year I had my partial mastectomy.  Wow! Over a year ago now; cancer free, it sure sounds good to me.  I am now down to seeing two doctors for follow-up cancer prevention/detection.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am very lucky.  DCIS really is (as my surgeon said) the cancer you want if you have to have cancer; and apparently I did have to have it.

                A few weeks ago we started a new diet; I hate to call it that because it really is an entire new way of eating for us.  I have lost a few pounds, nothing to write home about but still I have lost.  The, let’s call it a system; is Called the Trim Down Club.  They give you a meal plan based on your BMI and your goal weight that includes complete menus with three meals a day and three snacks a day. The snacks are substantial and the meals are filling, they include recipes and healthy foods and work on a fat burning concept of food combinations.  All in all we think it is worth sticking with for a while and see what happens.  Don is losing a steady 1 ½ pounds every week.  I vary, last week I maintained and did not gain or lose.

                We have had the cross country kids over twice so far this year and are looking to have a third time soon, first the entire team came over for a spaghetti dinner in August and then the girls were here for pizza and a movie just the other night.  If the boys can ever make up their minds and agree on a night they will come for their own pizza and movie night.  The cross country season is nearly over, hard to believe but it’s true.  October is just the Crestline meet the MBC, district and regional meets that’s it unless someone goes to state in November which would be awesome though unlikely.

                That about brings me up to speed; not really, we went to Delaware for a short vacation at the ocean in July and it seems as if we did a few other things, at any rate it always feels as though we are busy,  though at the moment I cannot recall what else we did.

                So…I think I’ll go get ready for a nice long walk in the early fall sunshine…

                There is always hope.        

Walking, Life and Vacation

At last, I have started walking on a regular basis again.  That took long enough.  I’m still struggling with finding the motivation to do it, but somehow or other I am getting out and doing it on most days.  The average goal is to walk for an hour a day; I’ve been hitting that more often than not.

Life is cruising along; when the situation calls for it I socialize and participate in whatever is happening.  I do well enough.  The rest of the time I quietly live in my little house and never tire of the beauty that surrounds me.  The green grass and trees, the blue blue sky, the birds and the animals as they play, the fields that are planted with this year’s crop and the cows grazing in the meadows of the next farm over.  All of these things thrill me, they are ever changing and they make my life a joy.

Summer is here again and once again we find ourselves trying to come up with a plan for a short vacation.  The desire is there, the destination is chosen; it comes down to finding the time to go and acquiring adequate accommodations.  If it is meant to be, we will work it out, if not I don’t mind.  We shall see.  When we begin thinking about finding the time for a vacation and look at the calendar suddenly the summer zips by and is gone before it has begun.  That is never good.  So I say let’s stop thinking about vacation for a while and enjoy the summer.

You know, for all my talk about walking, I am really not in the mood for it today.  Don’t ask me what I would rather do instead, I don’t know;  I only know that putting in a walk today sounds like so much work.  Maybe I’ll change my mind here in a little bit…

There is always hope.              

The Robin Sings

I am sitting here in the warm sunshine, being serenaded by a very happy robin.  Oh it makes me want spring to come today!  As has happened every year for as long as I can remember, it is March and I am longing for spring to come and wash away the lethargy of winter.  This year for some reason we are holding on to daytime temps in the 20’s and 30’s.  I want those temps to climb into the 40’s so I can do my walk without the restriction of a face warmer.  It is harder to breathe properly with one of those things on but I have to wear one if the temps are too cool.

I think I would like to take a trip to the ocean this year.  There is no place on earth like the ocean to bring your perspective back into alignment.  It’s even better when you can find a stretch of sand with no one else or very few others for a short while.  It gives you the space you need to feel the full impact of that beautiful water, the crashing of the waves.  If I were not so terrified of hurricanes I believe I could live by the ocean and be quite content.  So, we shall see if we can work in a trip to the ocean; if not then I think I would like to take a trip to Lake Erie.  It’s a long way from the ocean but it is pretty.

We are reading (audio CD’s) the Harry Potter books again and we are enjoying them very much.  This is after listening to The Lord of the Rings again.  We purchased the audio CD for The Hobbit as well.  I am so happy that Don is into these books with me.  It means I can have my fill of them (not that I think I will ever have my fill) with no guilt.  There seem to be many things we enjoy doing together, a good thing I say, since we are committed to the relationship at this point. 

Well I suppose I have rattled on long enough.  There is nothing else for me to do today but read, play on the computer or listen to music.  Maybe I’ll just sit here in the sunshine for a while longer and listen to the robin sing and dream about spring…

There is always hope.    

Calmer Tomorrow

It feels as if I have waited years (and perhaps I have) for the faintest inspiration to write something, anything.  The words would not come.  I cannot tell you how many hours I sat here staring at a blank screen.  I am not saying that I am suddenly overrun with ideas and words, only that for today at least, it feels as it should, as it used to.

I had wondered if I had written it all out, my story; and if I had how sad that would be to have all one’s life put into words with no possible chance of new happenings in the future.  That is what it felt like, as if anything that might happen in the future would be of so little consequence as to not merit even the passing thought of being chronicled.  It was a dismal feeling to be sure and a sad thing to think that in so short a time I could have written out my past: truly, there has to be more to me than that. 

What do I see in the time yet to come in my life that will merit taking the time to write about it?  I see life.  I am a survivor; I even have a bracelet that says as much.  I will continue as I have been with a positive outlook and the expectation that my encounters with people (both old friends and new acquaintances) will be filled with joy.  If there is one aspect of living that is missing in my life I would say it is contact with other people and yet I really have no idea what to do to change it or if I need to change it at all.  You see, I am quite content living just as I have been.  I feel no real need to change the way I live, I love it when I encounter other people and I have no problems talking to them and yet I love my life at home, quiet as it is.  I think to continue as I have been is quite the right thing to do.

Life is good.  We are making plans for a couple of road trips in March; Don is thinking of doing a couple of runs out of state.  Day by day the calendar ticks of the days of winter; soon we will have milder days more often.  Today the wind howls, tomorrow it should be calmer…

There is always hope.              

A Perfect Day For Walking

Biking, hiking, running or walking it’s the perfect day for them all; 43degrees feels wonderful!  Good for me, I actually got out there and walked 2 miles today.  Now if I could just make a habit of doing that I would be sitting pretty. 

I remember when walking was compulsory for me.  I had to do it, it just didn’t feel right to skip a day or even cut a walk short.  I can tell you that it’s much easier to get out of the habit than to get in to it.  While I’m at it (getting out of old habits) I will have to insist that I give up the candy.  Just because I received 18 boxes for my birthday does not mean I have to eat them all right away.  I think I have been working on the premise that it is better to have it all gone quickly, not I think a very wise approach.

By the way, my appointment with Dr Kahn went just about the way I thought it would.  He did examine me and ask when my next mammogram is.  I am so fortunate.  I am sure that not very many people have a cancer encounter and come out the other side unscathed as I have.  I do count my blessings.  Seeing three doctors every six months seems a fairly small price to pay.

Well, we shall see what happens with the walking thing.  It will be difficult to get in walks next weekend, my mother-in-law is having hip replacement surgery and we will be in Youngstown to be with her,  I think that she is very brave to be having the surgery and I hope she comes through it like a champ.  That little hitch in the walking works will be the only real excuse I will have not to do it.  As I say, we shall see…

There is always hope.

Doing Nothing

I can do nothing better than just about anyone you want to think of; it's what I do most of the time. I can stretch laundry day out into a three or four day event. When I clean house my to do list has one room per day on it - I'm only talking about sweeping and dusting or ordinary cleaning in the bathroom and kitchen. I am trying to decide if this habit is due to sheer laziness or boredom; it's a tossup really. The fact is that I enjoy a nice clean, orderly home and I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to keep it that way, I guess I just don't want to exert too much energy at one time and wear myself out.

I believe that most of my lethargy can be attributed to winter doldrums, though I do think that there is still a lingering tiredness left over from the radiation therapy.  Still, it’s a little difficult to justify doing nothing for any period of time; sooner or later you have to get up and do something or else go batty.  Well, there are people who would argue that I have always been batty, no news flash there.

Over the last few years I have been active on Face Book.  I enjoy seeing what friends and family are up to, though I rarely post myself.  Much like here, there isn’t much that happens on a daily basis that would be worthy of a post.  I do post, just not very often.  I just thought I’d throw that little tid-bit in there for the fun of it, a general interest thing.  With that I think I’ll call this post finished.

There is always hope.        

Winter Dreariness and Doctors

 Strange, the way time moves sometimes.  The days have all sort of run together into an endless cycle of cold wakefulness and sleeping.  I haven’t been warm in months it seems, though I am properly dressed for the cold. 

We have been keeping busy with movies; we have been to see The Hobbit eight times and we have been watching a lot of DVD’s and television.  Apparently this is our answer to winter dreariness.  The never ending battle to be warm seldom sees a victory.  And of course we have challenged ourselves to a diet at a time when instinct says to eat and don’t stop.  Don is doing very well with his running; I am a dismal failure at walking.  I really do need to motivate myself (as always).

I wonder what’s in store for me when I go to see Dr Kahn next week.  He is my medical oncologist; I have to say that if all he does is ask me how I am doing and then tells me to come back in six months, I will be a little put out.  If that’s all there is to it, we could do that by phone or by mail and save us both the time and bother.  After all, it is very difficult to get an appointment to see him; why take up precious time with something that could be handled in a time saving manor?  Oh well, it probably will go just the way I suspect and really the reason I am a little out of sorts about it is because I know there is no new cancer to worry about.  I am having none of that!  The whole thing with seeing all three of my doctors for cancer check-ups just makes me squirm.  It feels like I am asking for something to be there by checking all of the time.  Ah well, enough of that.

There really isn’t anything else to cover at the moment so I’ll go for now.

There is always hope.