During the occasional moments of dazed consternation; when I question the purpose of my existence, the validity of my claim to life and all of the gifts and responsibilities implied in that gift of life I have, for the entirety of my life been flummoxed by one constant flaw. I have never belonged; I was shut out of the closeness shared by my mother and my sister, something I was bitterly jealous of as a child and resented so viciously as an adult that I have excluded them both from my life. Nor did I belong with the rest of my family, I was there and they were there and we surely loved each other as families do but it was always easier for them to exclude me than to include me. I can't say I blame them; I must have been a very odd child. My first rule of survival has always been to take every new situation deadpan seriously until it is proven to have a humorous element and then and only then can I laugh long and loud. I'm not sure where that comes from but it is probably associated with my second rule which is to never let anyone know when they have gotten to you.
Starting out life knowing you don't belong in your own family is, to say the least, uncomfortable. I didn't really fit in at school either; the fact that we were Welfare kids much of the time was an open secret and the offers of hand-me-down clothes and food from the school principal's office infuriated me. They told me to think of my little brothers and take the help they wanted to give us; who could blame my family if they never forgave me? I squared my little second grade shoulders, looked them in the eyes and told them I didn't need their charity. Pride is a sin. I tried a few times (much too hard of course) to fit in but I think I had pretty much resigned myself to being a loner by the time I reached the fifth grade.
High school was much the same and the family I married into wanted me no more than did my birth family; perhaps that was when I started to crave sameness. There is a certain amount of comfort in knowing what to expect. As for my marriage; if there is a flaw here it lies in me and not in Don. He is a confident, self-motivated, motivating, centered and focused individual who has gotten where he is today charged by his own steam and with the assistance of no one else. He neither needs nor wants my encouragement or approval. Still, there are moments when I do not belong; still…
I have had a theory on all of this since my early teens. I believe that in some past life, perhaps several past lives, I was a very prideful and demanding person. (I may still be, though I pray I am not.) I am a Christian, but I also believe I will not see Heaven until I have learned the lesson of humility. Why this convoluted view of a straightforward faith system? Because I am trying to figure out why I am here at all; I don't fit in; and loosely translated that means I am nigh onto unlovable. Why? What makes a person loveable? Is it redeeming qualities like compassion and the willingness to sacrifice in both word and deed, is it the ability to love unconditionally with no expectation of having that love returned? I have those qualities. Is it that light that shines in all living things that is put there by Grace the moment we are born? That light can grow to a near blinding quality in some and yet in others it may never grow at all. There is a light shinning in me; I can feel the strong but gentle pulse of its life and I know it is there for a purpose. Perhaps in this lifetime it simply is and I simply am.
There is always hope.
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