After months of having the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head and the anxiety filled fear caused by that threat, it is done. I have been blessed beyond prayer. Though the ultrasound in February had indicated 60 to 70 percent blockage in the left renal artery, the vascular surgeon found absolutely no blockage. I was stunned. Relieved beyond measure, but stunned. How could there be such a discrepancy? Only through the power of prayer and our Lord.
The pain issue in my legs continues to torture me, I will be having and ultrasound of my leg next. I must admit that I am more than a little skeptical about this. After all, look at what I went through after the renal ultrasound. It would be foolish to deny that I am desperate for relief, for help of some kind in ending this pain but I truly believe that in the end it will all come down to me. I am just going to have to face this pain toe to toe and as they say, suck it up. There is no magic pill, lotion, potion or powder that will help me, I must get beyond the leg pain, the back pain, the chest pain. The pain.
Do you know what it's like to have no feeling of self-worth? To be nothing but a financial and emotional burden, a piece baggage that can't be gotten rid of? To know that you are sucking the joy right out of the life of the person who must suffer your presence every day? These are horrific things! When compassion is replaced with impatience and understanding acceptance and compromise is replaced with irritability and a short temper it leaves me feeling even more depressed and disappointed in myself. These are qualities that I have always been proud of myself for. If I have no other worth at least I know I am a caring and loving person. Or, I should say I have always been in the past. Pain is changing me.
After 42 years I will go so far as to say that I know my husband well, I know what he is thinking and feeling about all of this, what he is doing is quite another thing. He is being a rock. He is supporting me completely in every way and I will never find the words or the deeds to thank him enough for it. Of course, I knew he was my hero the first day I met him.
There is always hope.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Shaking My Head
What a blessing to hear the morning chorus in the merry month of June, knowing that when I step outside it will be warm. I have my Lord Jesus to thank for the glorious gifts of my husband and my home here in the 8 Aker Wood, my heaven on Earth. It is my sincere wish that this month last a very long time, I do not want it to run away from me. Summer flies by much too quickly, years fly by much too quickly of late. It's all I can do to keep up with the pace. How in the world did I jump from 50 to 60 so fast? However, at this moment the birds are singing, the grass is growing, trees are green, bunnies, squirrels, deer and all manner of creatures are breathing in and thriving on the green and growing world about us. Life is sweet when summer is here.
Much has happened and much is going on in my little life. Winter was, as always long and cruel. My love was sick for most of it and it made for a miserable slog. Though I will admit there were a few very nice treats this year. In February while it was bitterly cold here we took our first ever cruise, to the Bahamas. It was bliss to lay on an island under a palm tree all day with a warm ocean breeze and the warmth of the sun. In March we ventured back to Charleston, SC so Don could run a race, and then we took a little time to enjoy the warmth and be tourists at Patriots Point. I sincerely hope that we can make a tradition of taking a break and heading south for a break during the cold of winter every year. It made a huge difference for me.
As you may know, I have made no secret here of the fact that depression is one of my greatest battles, along with it comes (more so as I get older it seems) anxiety. There are those who do not understand how debilitating and devastating these things can be, they judge us harshly. There are those who suffer these things in silence because of the stigma still attached to them. Today I find myself wishing that I had been one of the later. Once you begin treatment for depression and anxiety you will find that there are a host of other illnesses associated with them. It then becomes a question of, is she having heart palpitations and shortness of breath because of a real health issue or is it all in her head? Is she really suffering in pain because of a medical problem or is anxiety causing it? Every time I see a doctor, any doctor I am given a mental health evaluation. They do little to discourage the feeling of being labeled. To be fair, it has seldom happened that any medical professional said to me that they felt I had physical complaint that was all in my head. I do much of that to myself. I am terrified of appearing to be a hypochondriac. To have that attached to my chart as well would be devastating. The thing that brings all this thought forward here is that my depression and anxiety levels have been so bad that I have had to change medications. And I got so frustrated with the long waiting periods and much to frequently not having my medications in stock at Walmart Pharmacy that I switched back to our little local pharmacy. I really hated to do that, small town and all that.
There are contributing factors to my emotional state. Pain is an issue I have long dealt with. I have come to grips with the fact that I will be in a certain amount of pain every day. Most days on a scale of 1 -10 I am at about 4-5, I can take that. Lately that has escalated to 6-8 and that's where I seem to staying. Nothing I can do about it. I take acetaminophen but that's as strong as I can take, the other NSAID class drugs cause my BP to go high. I have had the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head since February, now I guess it's going to happen. The Vascular Surgeon says, if it was him he wouldn't put it off, well his scheduling nurse is playing phone tag with me and if she doesn't get this thing nailed down by Monday I'm going to bail. He said I have 60 to 70 percent blockage, to me that says I still have 30 to 40 percent flow so on I go. I just do not have the patience for this! And finally, last July when I had my annual mammogram the patient portal posted my result as " malignant neoplasm" and changed my status from high risk cancer to active cancer. Well, look that up. When I contacted my doctor for the results, she said everything was fine. So... I have a lump or swelling and extreme tenderness at my right underarm and breast. It's probably noting, irritation from clothing or deodorant, it may go away in a few days. Ever since my lumpectomy and radiation treatments it's very difficult to discern differences in that breast but this is obvious. My next mammogram is scheduled for July 19. You know how it is. If you need your insurance to pay for these things you have to have the annual one that's free.
Enough about me! Let's talk about my love, the light of my life! Poor Don, he went out to mow the grass on the good OLD John Deere last Monday and it expired. Can you imagine how frustrated he was? Of course, our preferred John Deere dealer was closed on Memorial Day. Here's the great irony of the thing. After looking online at mowers that night he decided to check one out at Lowe's the next day. Long story made a little shorter, we did check Lowe's and instead of the one he was thinking of we ended up buying another John Deere. We started out at Lowe's in one town and didn't purchase there because they couldn't deliver until Friday, June 7. We went to Lowe's in another town and did purchase there, but they couldn't deliver our new John Deere that we could have purchased on Monday until Saturday, June 8. Sometimes you just have to shake your head.
There is always hope.
Much has happened and much is going on in my little life. Winter was, as always long and cruel. My love was sick for most of it and it made for a miserable slog. Though I will admit there were a few very nice treats this year. In February while it was bitterly cold here we took our first ever cruise, to the Bahamas. It was bliss to lay on an island under a palm tree all day with a warm ocean breeze and the warmth of the sun. In March we ventured back to Charleston, SC so Don could run a race, and then we took a little time to enjoy the warmth and be tourists at Patriots Point. I sincerely hope that we can make a tradition of taking a break and heading south for a break during the cold of winter every year. It made a huge difference for me.
As you may know, I have made no secret here of the fact that depression is one of my greatest battles, along with it comes (more so as I get older it seems) anxiety. There are those who do not understand how debilitating and devastating these things can be, they judge us harshly. There are those who suffer these things in silence because of the stigma still attached to them. Today I find myself wishing that I had been one of the later. Once you begin treatment for depression and anxiety you will find that there are a host of other illnesses associated with them. It then becomes a question of, is she having heart palpitations and shortness of breath because of a real health issue or is it all in her head? Is she really suffering in pain because of a medical problem or is anxiety causing it? Every time I see a doctor, any doctor I am given a mental health evaluation. They do little to discourage the feeling of being labeled. To be fair, it has seldom happened that any medical professional said to me that they felt I had physical complaint that was all in my head. I do much of that to myself. I am terrified of appearing to be a hypochondriac. To have that attached to my chart as well would be devastating. The thing that brings all this thought forward here is that my depression and anxiety levels have been so bad that I have had to change medications. And I got so frustrated with the long waiting periods and much to frequently not having my medications in stock at Walmart Pharmacy that I switched back to our little local pharmacy. I really hated to do that, small town and all that.
There are contributing factors to my emotional state. Pain is an issue I have long dealt with. I have come to grips with the fact that I will be in a certain amount of pain every day. Most days on a scale of 1 -10 I am at about 4-5, I can take that. Lately that has escalated to 6-8 and that's where I seem to staying. Nothing I can do about it. I take acetaminophen but that's as strong as I can take, the other NSAID class drugs cause my BP to go high. I have had the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head since February, now I guess it's going to happen. The Vascular Surgeon says, if it was him he wouldn't put it off, well his scheduling nurse is playing phone tag with me and if she doesn't get this thing nailed down by Monday I'm going to bail. He said I have 60 to 70 percent blockage, to me that says I still have 30 to 40 percent flow so on I go. I just do not have the patience for this! And finally, last July when I had my annual mammogram the patient portal posted my result as " malignant neoplasm" and changed my status from high risk cancer to active cancer. Well, look that up. When I contacted my doctor for the results, she said everything was fine. So... I have a lump or swelling and extreme tenderness at my right underarm and breast. It's probably noting, irritation from clothing or deodorant, it may go away in a few days. Ever since my lumpectomy and radiation treatments it's very difficult to discern differences in that breast but this is obvious. My next mammogram is scheduled for July 19. You know how it is. If you need your insurance to pay for these things you have to have the annual one that's free.
Enough about me! Let's talk about my love, the light of my life! Poor Don, he went out to mow the grass on the good OLD John Deere last Monday and it expired. Can you imagine how frustrated he was? Of course, our preferred John Deere dealer was closed on Memorial Day. Here's the great irony of the thing. After looking online at mowers that night he decided to check one out at Lowe's the next day. Long story made a little shorter, we did check Lowe's and instead of the one he was thinking of we ended up buying another John Deere. We started out at Lowe's in one town and didn't purchase there because they couldn't deliver until Friday, June 7. We went to Lowe's in another town and did purchase there, but they couldn't deliver our new John Deere that we could have purchased on Monday until Saturday, June 8. Sometimes you just have to shake your head.
There is always hope.
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