I Am Worried

What a beautiful day it is. The conditions are perfect for just about anything a person might want to do. I walked 3.3 miles today, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the just right temperature of about 68 degrees. Our neighbor is harvesting corn, as I write this I listen to the thrum of the machine making its way through the field next to our house.

I have discovered a new source of information concerning breast cancer; it is www.beyondtheshock.com a place dedicated to answering the questions and concerns of breast cancer patients and their family and friends. The sight is sponsored by the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc with the support of medical experts, doctors and researchers. You can ask any questions you have concerning breast cancer and or its treatment, or you can read questions and answers posted by others. It really is a great source of information. I asked a question and received responses from other breast cancer patients who have gone through the same process; it was very informative and comforting.

I will be so glad when tomorrow gets here. I am so stressed about the radiation schedule; what if it conflicts with Don's schedule? Obviously if it does then I just won't have the therapy until November. It's bad enough that I'm going to be putting him through this 5 days a week for 5 weeks, I will not cause him any more inconvenience and that is a promise. I know I am worrying about something that may not even be an issue but I can't help it. All I can do is hope…

There is always hope.

I Wonder About Radiation Therapy

I met my medical oncologist the other day; I like him. He is passing me on to the radiation oncologist for the radiation therapy part of my treatment. Five days a week for 5 weeks, that sounds pretty intense to me. I hate to sound like a big baby but I am afraid. I know too well what sunburn feels like and I cannot go out without a bra and those are the least of my fears. I will see my medical oncologist again in 6 weeks. Radiation therapy will not begin for another week or two.

The lasagna dinner for the kids came off nicely. They all said it was good and they seemed to enjoy themselves. They watched Brother Where Art Thou, I know, they never cease to amaze. You just don't know what they are likely to choose.

I am very excited about Lee Child's new Reacher book coming out next Tuesday. It sure is starting off on the right track, I read the first few chapters on line and I am hooked. I probably won't buy the book until Wednesday, I have a doctor appointment then and I can't see using the extra gas to make the trip just to have the book one day sooner (though I would love to).

So, on Wednesday I will find out precisely when radiation therapy begins and I hope – get a few answers to some of my concerns…

There is always hope.

A Clean House

Ah, the satisfaction of a clean house. It looks good, it smells good and it feels good. We are having the cross country team over for lasagna on Thursday evening and I needed to spiff the place up a bit. And now I am clean too, I just got out of the shower, so now I can settle in and write up the shopping list for tomorrow. Don is at a cross country meet this evening so while I was cleaning I put some Rod Stewart on the CD player while I worked. Don really doesn't like him but he bought me all the Great American Song Book albums, what a sweet man I have.

I took a Percocet a little while ago; I'm having some pretty severe breast pain. I think the vacuuming caused it, makes sense really, it's the right breast that has cancer and has had the surgery and of course I am right handed. Its ok, the pill is kicking in. In the end it's all worth it, doing this for Don, having the kids over that is. He does so much for me and I know he wanted so much to have them over but he wouldn't ask me after just having surgery. It was my idea; I figure it's best to have them over now because if I have to have radiation therapy we don't know how I'll react to it. Best to do it now. What an amazing man my husband is. Do you know that he comes in with me at the surgeons? I hope he will come in with me at the oncologists too. I am such a lucky woman to have him.

Thanks to Don I am getting my walks in, though I do not plan to walk on Thursday. I don't seem to have much energy for a walk when we leave home but when I finish my walk I feel much better for having done it. Who knows, maybe I'll get some energy back now that I'm walking gain…

There is always hope.

A Little Disappointed

I had a disappointing appointment with the surgeon today. He couldn't tell me anything because the lab work isn't back yet; I'll see him again next week. His office set my appointment with an oncologist for September 6, and then I'll find out if I have to have radiation therapy.

The wound is still very tender and it seeps though the pain is significantly less.

Tomorrow I begin walking again and I am looking forward to it. I think one week off is plenty of time to lick my wounds and face the realities of what lies ahead. I have been evaluating myself and trying to see if I am facing this cancer thing head on or if I am shunting it to the side and trying to ignore it. My conclusion is that I am facing it. What I am doing is looking at it realistically; in my instance cancer is not a death sentence therefore I will not become an emotional wreck and make things difficult for myself or Don. I must admit that I am proud of myself and the way I have handled it so far.

Today is the first cross country meet of the season. I hope the kids have a really good year (of course that would mean their coach would also have a really good year) and go as teams to the regional meet.

There is always hope.

Now I Wait

On Wednesday the 15^th I had partial mastectomy surgery. It went well, I suppose as far as those things go. The wound is about 31/2 to 4"; I have pain but nothing like I have had in the past with other surgeries. The pain medication is working well.

Now I wait until Tuesday to hear what the doctor has to say. Maybe he will have changed his mind about radiation, that would be wonderful though I am not holding my breath. It is out of my hands and what will be will be.

All told I am feeling well enough. I do not have the patience for woe is me thinking and wild supposition about what the outcome of all of this may be. I believe that is a plus for me because I do not think I would do well with a lot of emotional baggage at the moment. I am thankful to continue as I have been…

There is always hope.

Saying It Out Loud

I have breast cancer. I wasn't going to say that out loud but some people have to be told and so it is out there now. Tomorrow I have surgery, a partial mastectomy; the follow up will be radiation. I am a very lucky woman, the cancer I have is contained in a small area and the doctor said that if I had to have cancer, this is the cancer to have because it is not fatal.

The reason I didn't want to tell anyone about the cancer is that I am afraid to test my luck. It feels as if I had kept it to myself I would be safe for sure. Now that everyone knows I am a little afraid that my good luck will end. Silly, I know but there you have it.

There is always hope.

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder about everything. It all seems like a mystery to me, how do we find the strength to go on with the knowledge we have? We watch the news and there are terrible things happening in the world and not just out there anymore, there are terrible things happening in our own back yards. I don't dwell on such things, if I did I would never smile again but sometimes I do wonder.

There is something that I am going to do next week and I am not looking forward to it. There is something that I am supposed to do as follow-up and I will not do it. I have decided that definitely. I will face opposition to my decision but I will not budge. It is my choice.

It is difficult to get motivated to walk these days, though I did walk 3 miles yesterday. Cross country season started today and our schedule will be a little wacked out for a few weeks until school starts. What that means is our walk/runs will have to be done later in the day when it is warmer – yuk. Of course I feel like yuk about walking right now anyway. I was doing pretty good there for a while. My times were improving and I was enjoying the experience of being out in the open air. Ah well, you can't have it all.

There is always hope.