Walking Is A Chore

I listened to The Four Preps yesterday while I walked; I imagine it has been at least three years since I last listened to them. I really enjoyed hearing 26 Miles again. I have added a large variety of music to my new MP3 player, much more than I had on my old one. I hope it helps to get me motivated to walk.

Walking, something I need to do for my health and something I used to like doing but the last few months it has been agony for me to put on my walking shoes and head out the door. I have no idea why it suddenly became a chore; at this point I really don't care all I want is to want to walk again. Maybe the new music will help.

As for the bathroom, it finally got a good cleaning and I even mopped the floors in the rest of the house. I know, I know it is astonishing! Who can say? Perhaps I am becoming motivated. Time will tell.

There is always hope.

Something to Say

What to do on this beautiful day? I should have gone to Kokosing and walked 4 miles, too late now, I missed the boat. I really am not in the mood to go for a long walk today which I find interesting because this is just the sort of day that I love to go out with my headset on and lose myself in music while I walk. The bathroom needs a good cleaning, I could always do that. I could go outside and play pickup sticks in the yard and clear away the debris of winter in preparation for mowing next week. There isn't much but there is some laundry to be washed, that sounds like fun…not. Oh, the possibilities are endless, where do I begin?

We have spent the last couple of months reading that is listening to books. We started out with The Lord of The Rings and we moved on to Harry Potter. We are now listening to The Order of the Phoenix. I do enjoy listening to books but I would rather read a good solid book, I don't know there is just something about holding the real thing in my hands. Then too there is the slight problem of one of us occasionally nodding off while we listen to a book, we have been known to have to replay large portions of discs. The best part of audio books is that we can read a book together, we do enjoy that. Speaking of books, I hear J K Rowling has written a novel for adults. She says it is very different from Harry Potter. I must confess I will be right there in line for my copy the day it is released.

I cannot imagine the pressure an author like J K Rowling would feel when writing something new after such a successful series as Harry Potter, it must be intimidating.

I miss blogging. I enjoyed it when I blogged more often it's just that I can't seem to think of anything to say. As I have said here before I am going to try to blog more often. Surely to goodness I have something to say.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 53^rd birthday. Of all the things a person could say about turning 53, and I am sure there are many, I seem to be able to think of only one. Another year older: not in a negative way, I am proud of my age and I do not believe I will ever be one of those people that lie about their age. No, I'm just another year older.

I seem to be in a bit of a rut and I have been here for a while now. I am having the devils own time motivating myself to do anything. The only thing I get done with efficiency is nothing; I am quite good at that. You might think that if it bothers me so much I would find the gumption to do something about it, because it really does bother me quite a lot, doing nothing. Oh I do the bare bones minimum to keep the house in running order; laundry, the occasional dusting and sweeping, things like that but that's about it. I don't even use all of this time I have pursuing my favorite things like reading and music and walking. I skate by doing only what I have to do. It really does distress me.

Something else that has been on my mind is smoking. It has been years since I smoked but I sometimes find myself wanting to smoke. I don't believe I would smoke if someone handed me a cigarette, all the stench and mess you know, but for some reason I have the urge to smoke. Oh well, smoking is not something I will take up again, I just find it curious that I have the urge to do it once in a while.

And there you have it, the two most prominent thoughts on my birthday. We are going out a little later to Red Lobster and some shopping that should fill out the day nicely. I woke up to snow and now it is very windy, there has been worse weather on my birthday. Who is to say? Maybe I will find some motivation soon and that will make me very happy.

There is always hope.

 

 

I Am A Coward

I am a coward. Mommy is gone and the thought of going to her funeral is making me physically ill. I don't want to see her laid out in a casket and hear people commenting about how good she looks and how long she suffered and that she's in a better place now. I don't want to watch my brothers and my sister helplessly mourn her passing. I am a coward and will be no help in consoling them. Each tear shed, each choking sob released by a sibling will tear at my heart as I try desperately to contain my own grief to the emotional island I will have to build if I am to survive this.

Knowing that I am not alone in not wanting to attend the funeral of a loved one is no comfort. No one wants to face these things I think. I know most people need the closure of a funeral and burial, I do not. Don's family has a tradition of no funeral and no service when they pass on, that is my wish as well.

The last time I saw my mother she gave me a few tokens to remember her by, it was a very emotional goodbye that day. The last time I talked to my mother I told her how much I loved her and she told me that she loved me too. I will never forget her voice, the sound of her breathing, the way she walked, the way she moved her hands or the way she used to let me stay up late with her because she knew I would not sleep if she sent me to bed. I'll never forget a million other things about her either, every one of them a vivid memory.

Do mothers understand how blessed they are to have the loyal love of a child?

There is always hope.

My Mother Passed Away

Mommy passed away yesterday morning. She had been sick for a very long time; that does not ease the pain of losing her Her funeral was preplanned so the only thing that needs to be established are the viewing hours and the grave side service time.

I have written of my mother here many times, she had a hard life. No matter how hard I tried we never had a close relationship. There was…is a tie there that cannot be broken even, I think, in death. Surely there must be some part of the woman who gave me life attached to me still. How could there not be? I struggle to come to grips with the fact that she is gone and to the very depths of my being I feel an almost physical denial. No! It cannot be! Then my waking mind tells me yes, it is so. I remind myself that we were not overly close and then I chastise myself for thinking such a thing at a time like this for there are no degrees of death. I have known for quite a few years now, long before Daddy passed, that I would never be so old that I would not need my parents. I suppose that knowledge did give me the foresight to appreciate them a little more. Mommy had a hard life but as Don said, she is in a better place now.

I really have no idea if this post is readable or not, I only needed to put pen to paper for a moment or two and it has I think, helped a bit.

There is always hope.

 

Round and Round My Mind It Goes

Where do some of the things that come into my head come from? I realize that while some of my thoughts and ideas may be new, perhaps even profound to me; they are hardly unique. I read somewhere once that every idea we have, every question and every answer has been thought of before…many times before. The thing that makes the thought uniquely ours is the way we approach it. For example: I suppose the idea that my ideas are not unique have simmered and stewed in my mind for years on end (it was quite some time ago that I read it) and every time it floated forward in my mind it has caused me to become a little befuddled, to say the least. On second thought, I won't bore you with examples.

As usual and thankfully, there isn't much happening in my little patch of the world. I simply cannot remember the last time I blogged and if I said anything about our trips to Colorado and North Dakota. That was in mid and late spring. Don got in his 47^th and 48^th states on his quest for the 50 States Club finishers. Though the trips were short, we managed to enjoy the experience. Other than those trips I have spent most of the summer hanging out here at the house, mixing hummingbird food. Those hummers have been hungry this year! Good, good news there is nothing broken on me, I have not been sick and I am feeling fine. I don't suppose that is a real news flash these days. It has been a couple of years since my bad luck streak ran out. Still, that was such a horrendous I can't help but stop and take stock once in a while. We did go to a couple of picnics and we went to Cleveland to visit a dear friend there twice. Now cross country has started again and Don will be busy with that until November.

Tomorrow…tomorrow I will achieve something important! What, you may ask, is an important achievement for me? Maybe I'll clean the bathroom. It's a bit too soon to do laundry, I don't yet have two baskets full and I hate to wash small loads. Perhaps I'll sit down here and write something brilliant that has been thought of many times before by who can say how many other people but I will say it in such a beautiful persuasive way that someone else will want to read it. Perhaps :D

There is always hope.

The Impetus I Need

One of these days I'm going to find the motivation to get something done. I am embarrassed to reveal the schedule I keep, but who knows, putting it out there may be the impetus I need to get moving. Don't worry; my current average day will not take long to read.

My day usually begins somewhere between 7:00 and 8:00 o'clock in the morning, though it is not unheard of to be up as early as 5:00 or sleep as late as 9:30. Most days I make the bed as I climb out of it. Then it's first things first, meds and coffee with Don (he is nearly always up before me) in the den and then breakfast. Now the most productive part of my day is done. Once in a while I will use the computer first thing in the morning, even with this modern marvel I don't accomplish much, I check email and weather and play cards. I used to go on to Facebook everyday but even that interest has waned. As for the rest of my day, I can only tell you that occasionally I pick up a dust cloth, and sweep, once a week or so I do the laundry and oh yes, I cook our meals. There you have it, that's what I do. OH! I forgot something very important. I walk most days of the week and I enjoy it.

I am not willing to say we live in a pigsty; though Don said so once to someone who was commenting on our clean house (I have a long memory dear and you live here too), you won't find dust an inch thick or 1 – 4 days dirty dishes piled up in the kitchen but you may find that the floor should be swept and the furniture could use a good dusting. Odds are good that the kitchen table will be covered with paper. I promise you will find the bathroom in good shape and the dusting and sweeping can be done in a trice. If only I could find the motivation to do it.

There is always hope.