MY LITTLE LIFE

It is a humbling experience when a person becomes aware of being no more and no less than any other person. It is truly a very important lesson that most of us learn at a young age; when I was growingup it was a part of what was called learning our manners.

That's A Blessing

After months of having the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head and the anxiety filled fear caused by that threat, it is done.  I have been blessed beyond prayer.  Though the ultrasound in February had indicated 60 to 70 percent blockage in the left renal artery, the vascular surgeon found absolutely no blockage.  I was stunned.  Relieved beyond measure, but stunned.  How could there be such a discrepancy?  Only through the power of prayer and our Lord.

The pain issue in my legs continues to torture me, I will be having and ultrasound of my leg next.  I must admit that I am more than a little skeptical about this.  After all, look at what I went through after the renal ultrasound.  It would be foolish to deny that I am desperate for relief, for help of some kind in ending this pain but I truly believe that in the end it will all come down to me.  I am just going to have to face this pain toe to toe and as they say, suck it up.  There is no magic pill, lotion, potion or powder that will help me, I must get beyond the leg pain, the back pain, the chest pain.  The pain.

Do you know what it's like to have no feeling of self-worth?  To be nothing but a financial and emotional burden, a piece baggage that can't be gotten rid of?  To know that you are sucking the joy right out of the life of the person who must suffer your presence every day?  These are horrific things!  When compassion is replaced with impatience and understanding acceptance and compromise is replaced with irritability and a short temper it leaves me feeling even more depressed and disappointed in myself.  These are qualities that I have always been proud of myself for.  If I have no other worth at least I know I am a caring and loving person.  Or, I should say I have always been in the past.  Pain is changing me. 

After 42 years I will go so far as to say that I know my husband well, I know what he is thinking and feeling about all of this, what he is doing is quite another thing.  He is being a rock.  He is supporting me completely in every way and I will never find the words or the deeds to thank him enough for it.  Of course, I knew he was my hero the first day I met him.

There is always hope. 

Shaking My Head

What a blessing to hear the morning chorus in the merry month of June, knowing that when I step outside it will be warm.  I have my Lord Jesus to thank for the glorious gifts of my husband and my home here in the 8 Aker Wood, my heaven on Earth.  It is my sincere wish that this month last a very long time, I do not want it to run away from me.  Summer flies by much too quickly, years fly by much too quickly of late.  It's all I can do to keep up with the pace.  How in the world did I jump from 50 to 60 so fast?  However, at this moment the birds are singing, the grass is growing, trees are green, bunnies, squirrels, deer and all manner of creatures are breathing in and thriving on the green and growing world about us.  Life is sweet when summer is here.

Much has happened and much is going on in my little life.  Winter was, as always long and cruel.  My love was sick for most of it and it made for a miserable slog.  Though I will admit there were a few very nice treats this year.  In February while it was bitterly cold here we took our first ever cruise, to the Bahamas.  It was bliss to lay on an island under a palm tree all day with a warm ocean breeze and the warmth of the sun.  In March we ventured back to Charleston, SC so Don could run a race, and then we took a little time to enjoy the warmth and be tourists at Patriots Point.  I sincerely hope that we can make a tradition of taking a break and heading south for a break during the cold of winter every year.  It made a huge difference for me.

As you may know, I have made no secret here of the fact that depression is one of my greatest battles, along with it comes (more so as I get older it seems) anxiety.  There are those who do not understand how debilitating and devastating these things can be, they judge us harshly.  There are those who suffer these things in silence because of the stigma still attached to them.  Today I find myself wishing that I had been one of the later.  Once you begin treatment for depression and anxiety you will find that there are a host of other illnesses associated with them.  It then becomes a question of, is she having heart palpitations and shortness of breath because of a real health issue or is it all in her head?  Is she really suffering in pain because of a medical problem or is anxiety causing it?  Every time I see a doctor, any doctor I am given a mental health evaluation.  They do little to discourage the feeling of being labeled.  To be fair, it has seldom happened that any medical professional said to me that they felt I had physical complaint that was all in my head.  I do much of that to myself.  I am terrified of appearing to be a hypochondriac.  To have that attached to my chart as well would be devastating.  The thing that brings all this thought forward here is that my depression and anxiety levels have been so bad that I have had to change medications.  And I got so frustrated with the long waiting periods and much to frequently not having my medications in stock at Walmart Pharmacy that I switched back to our little local pharmacy.  I really hated to do that, small town and all that.

There are contributing factors to my emotional state.  Pain is an issue I have long dealt with.  I have come to grips with the fact that I will be in a certain amount of pain every day.  Most days on a scale of 1 -10 I am at about 4-5, I can take that.  Lately that has escalated to 6-8 and that's where I seem to staying.  Nothing I can do about it.  I take acetaminophen but that's as strong as I can take, the other NSAID class drugs cause my BP to go high.  I have had the threat of a renal angioplasty hanging over my head since February, now I guess it's going to happen.  The Vascular Surgeon says, if it was him he wouldn't put it off, well his scheduling nurse is playing phone tag with me and if she doesn't get this thing nailed down by Monday I'm going to bail.  He said I have 60 to 70 percent blockage, to me that says I still have 30 to 40 percent flow so on I go.  I just do not have the patience for this!  And finally, last July when I had my annual mammogram the patient portal posted my result as " malignant neoplasm" and changed my status from high risk cancer to active cancer.  Well, look that up.  When I contacted my doctor for the results, she said everything was fine.  So... I have a lump or swelling and extreme tenderness at my right underarm and breast.  It's probably noting, irritation from clothing or deodorant, it may go away in a few days.  Ever since my lumpectomy and radiation treatments it's very difficult to discern differences in that breast but this is obvious.   My next mammogram is scheduled for July 19.  You know how it is.  If you need your insurance to pay for these things you have to have the annual one that's free.

Enough about me!  Let's talk about my love, the light of my life!  Poor Don, he went out to mow the grass on the good OLD John Deere last Monday and it expired.  Can you imagine how frustrated he was?  Of course, our preferred John Deere dealer was closed on Memorial Day.  Here's the great irony of the thing.  After looking online at mowers that night he decided to check one out at Lowe's the next day.  Long story made a little shorter, we did check Lowe's and instead of the one he was thinking of we ended up buying another John Deere.  We started out at Lowe's in one town and didn't purchase there because they couldn't deliver until Friday, June 7.  We went to Lowe's in another town and did purchase there, but they couldn't deliver our new John Deere that we could have purchased on Monday until Saturday, June 8.  Sometimes you just have to shake your head.

There is always hope.

Betty's Blue Christmas

I have never felt so low during the Christmas Season in my life.  I miss my parents.  There are those who will say, and perhaps justly so, that I have no right to say that but there it is.  I want to hear my mother tell one her stories, they never grew old for me, I want to see her laugh and clap her hands together when something tickles her.  I want to thank her for giving me the strength to survive so far and the courage to look to tomorrow because if that woman had nothing else, she had an inner strength that came from the very foundations of the earth.  I need to hear my father say good morning the way he used to, I need to feel the weight of his big hand fall gently on my shoulder and rest there.  That hand on my shoulder said so many things that were never conveyed in words there was no need, there was love in that callused hand.  My mother and sister have always told me that have his hands; I hope so, I hope that's what people feel from my hands.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I inherited from my parents.  They both loved to laugh had an ornery streak (don't we all harbor one?) and they could both sit for hours or days just soaking in the beauty of a river, lake or woods.  Like them, I discovered early in life that when it comes to family politics it's best to play both sides of the fence or at least don't commit to a side in any argument because feelings will be hurt no matter the outcome. Best to avoid that. They both loved to tell stories and they were good at it.  They taught me that when you call someone family you are making a commitment to them to love them warts and all.  I don't call anyone family unless I'm willing to go take on the burden.  That's the other thing they taught me, sometimes love can be a burden.  People get cranky, moody, selfish at times, sometimes they become repetitive out of frustration or forgetfulness but it happens to everyone.  Sometimes the person who is family is depressed or angry, doesn't want to talk or talks all the time; the point is that if we take on the burden of loving someone there is a price to pay but when we took the burden on, we agreed to pay it.  I also inherited my brothers and my sister, my love for them is a burden I will never lay down.
And then there is this entire screwed up world out there that I can't seem to hide from.  It smacks me in the face every single day, over and over again.  So much hate and anger I don't even know if there is anything out there anymore that is the truth.  I don't trust anything I hear on the so-called news these days.  As of this day I am going out of my way not to hear another news cast again.  I can't take it anymore.  Why are people so hell bent on destroying each other?  Friends hating friends, families hating each other, husbands and wives...where the hell does it end? 
This has always been the most beautiful, sacred time of the year for me.  Preparing for the celebration of the Baby Jesus birth, that miracle of miracles that changed the world.  It breaks my heart that that little baby was born to die to save us from...this!  How do these people sleep?  Are they having migraines and sleepless nights followed by anxiety filled days?  I think not.  No, I hold meaning of Christmas close to my heart but I am not at all in any mood to celebrate this year.

When Dreams Die

Dreams.  They were so real I could taste them, touch, breathe the very air of wherever it was that my dreams were taking me.  It’s been such a long time since I had a dream like that, a dream that was so real it became a need to go there and see it, smell it and feel it in my waking life.  I dreamed of Ireland, Scotland, the whole of Great Britain.  I needed to go there and walk through the moors, stand on top of Ben Nevis, breathe the salty air and hear the crashing of ocean on the Isle of Skye.  I needed desperately to walk the lanes and of an Irish village and wander off through a lonely castle.  Westminster Abbey and The Tower, I needed to touch the stone and sit in silence to hear the echoes from the past, perhaps my past, who can say.  I dreamed of forests so mysterious that surely there must still be at least one unicorn, one patch of days more simple and beautiful where life was filled with wondrous things.  Oh, but these were wonderful dreams and as I dreamed them some how in my heart, I let myself believe that because I needed to see and do these things, I would.  And then… My dreams died.

When those dreams died, I felt bitter at first, then after a time I found a way to compensate for the loss.  There will never be a way to reawaken dead dreams, but I can view ghostly images of what might have been.  There are photographs, music, books, magazines and video of these places.  I can see it all this way.  So, I did.  

And now, we have been talking about taking a once in a lifetime trip to the British Isles and Ireland.  We’ve been talking about it for about 8 or 10 years now.  To tell the truth, at this point I have come to terms with the fact that I will never see those places where my soul longs to be, not in this lifetime.  Perhaps I’ll pass over it all on my last journey as I leave this earth.  Besides the dream, when I was young was to go there and linger, to experience every nuance, not to pass through on the way to something else.  It is indeed sad to watch your dreams die before your eyes.  That’s the nature of the beast when when you share your life with someone else.  It was my dream not my husbands and I can’t fault him.  What I should have done was made my dreams come true.  My husband lives his life as his father did, on his terms, in his own good time.

Do I still dream?  Not really.  I’ve had Putt Putt Golf on my Bucket List for 30 years.  It’s apparently not on my husbands priority list to help me check things off of my list.  Once in awhile I’ll throw something out there that I would like to do but it just gets shot down most of the time..but someday one might just slip through.

There is always hope.  

My New Sideline

I am adventuring in the world of essential oils.  So far, I have learned enough to know that I want to learn much, much more.  I have been to the library and read 2 books from there and I have downloaded 2 Kindle books from Amazon.  The one item that caught my attention very early and has only been mentioned twice in the books and online websites that I have visited selling the essential oils is that you must be very cautious with them.  Apparently, they can be harmful if misused, as can nearly anything but these can have serious health risks involved if you don't know what you are doing.  Perhaps I am overcautious but I would much rather err on the side of caution.  At any rate, I am so enjoying this adventure, as I had no idea what uses there were for essential oils.  I thought they were meant for diffusing and adding to homemade soaps and lotions.  It was a big surprise to read about the medicinal uses, cleaning and disinfecting properties of some of them.  What a wonderful pastime to kill the cold winter hours.

   
Of course, the day to day matters of life continue even if I would rather shut myself away with my oils and books researching amazing ways to use them.  Laundry must be washed, dinner must be cooked and my overly large bottom must get up, get out and walk in the cold. Truth be told I really don't mind any of it, seriously what would I do if I didn't have to keep house and take care of my husband?  If I were not able to get out there in that cold and walk I just know my mind would implode.  It's what we all need, to keep busy so that the winter doesn't drive us mad.  Unfortunately for us two of our favorite pastimes, winter and summer is sitting in front of our television and computer screens.  We can take up a big chunk of the day watching these unhealthy things.  I don't like it and I would like to wean myself from them but I am afraid that I am addicted!   

Well, we know that there is always hope.

A Fine Day To Stay Warm

It's a fine day to stay inside and try to stay warm.  A forecast high of 33, burr!  Doesn't matter I still have to get out there and put in at least a 2-mile walk.  If I am ever going to take off an ounce of weight and be ready to walk my 50K in June I've got to get moving.  It's so hard to do when winter has such a death grip on me. The older I get the harder winter is on me.  I know that I am not an anomaly, I have seen many people have the same problem as they aged and I always felt sorry for them but I really didn't understand what they were going through, I do now.

At this time of year my mind always goes to dark places.  Yesterday was a particularly difficult day, I found myself reaching out to the Lord several times.  He is the only one I have to talk to.  I do find comfort in words, reading and searching for quotes.  It keeps my mind busy.  I also like to find pictures of beautiful things, animals, birds, flowers and the universe.

Enough for this day, time to get moving.  There is always hope.